So many thanks

Once again, Trevor is trimming the lawn, and I am growing our baby (after running errands, making salsa, cleaning, organizing, bringing cookies & milk to my brother's contract crew). Life is so good right now, we are immeasurably blessed - I'm overwhelmed and humbled and feel so incredibly undeserving. So much so, that I've struggled this week with the thought that something must be about to go wrong to balance out all this right-ness. Yes, I'm afraid the fear crept in again this week, but as I gave up (and continue to give up) the fears, I find that something else creeps in alongside . . . peace. Trust. Assurance. Thankfulness. Present-mindedness. Realization of what life is to me and how I approach it. In short, through the struggle of fear, God's presence is more real than ever, and for that I am ever thankful. And really, it often takes the struggles to experience sweet grace.

I allowed myself a brief meltdown this morning when the bag of parts for the crib was no where to be found . . . I'll be raw here: I was ashamed at my reaction (i.e. frustration and anger all geared at Trevor). My lack of support and encouragement was embarrassing. The meltdown came when Trevor placed the bag of parts in front me (it was in a bag filled with diapers - logical, right?). I started voicing my fears through tears - I mean, if I react like that to such a minor thing, how will I react to my child - so much of my reaction are based out of a lack of control, and what can be controlled LESS than an infant (and toddler, and preschooler, and child, and teenager, and . . . ). It was just one of those moments of not being able to conceive the future. And really, it's trying to conceive (and control) the future that gets me into so much trouble! All that said, it was a good reminder that I am NOT in control. And there comes God's presence, and the thankfulness of knowing He IS. What a relief. He does things so much better than I can, when I let Him take over.

Okay, confession over (for now), so on to the fun stuff! Trevor and I got back a few days ago from a wonderful trip to our homes in NoDak. I can hardly begin to express what a joy it always is to be welcomed lovingly by our families as we take over their houses, eat their food (that they prepare for us), steal their time, and make us the center of their world for a few days! HA! Truly, it struck me how amazing it is that we have two sanctuaries to return to in Bismarck - in essence, the best bed and breakfasts that I'm sure we'll ever find because of the way they know us, love us, seek to understand us - and the way they share their lives with us, their wisdom, their stories. That they take time off from work to just be with us, and to know that it is their joy, is a gift.

And now in addition, they way they already love Baby K is just a new extension of their selfless and caring hearts. I can't wait for our little girl to meet all her grandparents.

So yes, the time in Bis was whilrwind as ever, but every details seems etched in my mind already. Everything pretty much built up to Saturday, which was a day of parties in the form of showers (as Trev's uncle asked: "Did you get really clean in Bismarck? I'm not sure why you had to go all that way for a shower - there's plenty of water here in Minneapolis"). Anyways, the day started with a bridal shower for my dearest cousin Hope. I need to go on about Hope a little bit here - I think she is the first friend I ever had, when I really think about it. We played together from the time she was born (and I shamefully admit that I was often and awful cousin and bossed her around, telling her things like she can't play with cars, I would take away my little handheld piano from her grip . . . awful!). Here's the thing about Hope, she has always and does still have the kindest and softest heart. She's always taking care of others, thinking of others, interested in others. She is a woman of character and grace and I'm so thankful that I've had the joy of knowing her from such an early age. To celebrate her upcoming marriage and wedding was an honor, and it was elating to watch the love "showered" on her by family and friends. That, and the chance to catch up with other aunts and cousins during that time was precious. Not to mention all the fun surroundings of fuschia and orange decorations, elaborate display of food, engaging games, and happy chatter from everyone else - a great memory already.

There was a little break, and then we all caravanned out to Trev's parents home where his mom threw me a baby shower. WOW. I am still processing it all . . . the setting was perfect, the table laid out with such care and creativity: a "diaper cake" with an adorable stuffed animal on top that wound up and played a lullaby. The refreshing treats, the caribou coffee, the lullaby music in the background, the balloon boquet, the lavendar accents in plates and cutlery, the "pea in the pod" theme. There was a display of pictures of Trevor and I from our own baby days. I know I'm biased, but Trevor was an adorable baby, it was fun to see the pics. In all, the beautiful atmosphere put guests at ease and provided such a peaceful way to spend the afternoon. And the games! There was a "baby animal" game, "price is right" (which our 9 year old niece Courtney led and did a fantastic job!), everyone guessed how much I measured around, and we ended with the "dirty diaper game" (as gross as it sounds, and I definitely requested this one - simply melt different varieties of chocolate bars, one per diaper . . . pass around the room and have people record their guesses as to what kind of candy bar is making the diaper dirty. Grotesquely hilarious). Next the gift opening - my gosh, such a humbling afternoon of attention and love and generosity. Trevor and I are overwhelmed by everyone's grace in gifting us so much with the things needed to start a nursery and care for a baby. The pink tissue paper was flying, and I'm thankful to everyone for helping us and look forward to using the gifts and thinking of the givers all the while. I was especially awed by the family who drove so many miles to be there for the special occasion - aunts, cousins, and my gma especially who came from several hours away. Wow.

Oh, and one more shower memory - Trev's mom had everyone who wanted to write some parenting advice on notecards and I'd like to record some of my faves:

• from dear Grandma Carole: "Have a good babysitter when you need one (like uncle Drew!)"
• from my wise teenage cousin Siennah: "Be understanding and loving, but also have rules"
• from sweet Grandma Eileen: "When your baby cries, she does that for a reason, so if she is happy when you pick her up, do so!"
• and one of my favorites from Kristi, a friend of the family I've known since I was young: "Have an epidural!" HA!

That night was a lovely bachelorette party for Hope, a fondue party which ended up being the perfect way to unwind after the fast-paced day.

All too soon we were making our rounds on Sunday to see grandparents and spend time with parents, packing up and getting ready to head back east. We can't wait to go back again in September with Baby K in person.

And in baby news . . . today has been largely all about her room - the gifts are unpacked, clothes hanging up, and Trevor assembled the crib (the same one I used as a baby!). This week was filled with lots of backyard fire-pit/patio hosting, a picnic today and a bbq tonight, an old friend's  baby shower tomorrow. Life really is too good, and we're savoring each day. Little Baby K has been kicking up a storm many times a day and it never gets old to just sit and feel her move around and try to guess what body part she's choosing to exercise.

Lastly for now, here are just a few pics with of the weekend in Bis:

Trevor and his family's golden retriever, Max - after a walk and watching the sunset over the Missouri River

My dear cousin Hope with her grandmas, and a sea of fuschia and orange. 

My mom, me, and my mom-in-law (at her house). Check out the diaper cake!

DeKreys and Popes and our niece Courtney unwinding with a lovely brunch


Me with my grandparents (I regret not getting a picture with my gma from my dad's side at my shower . . . )


Me and my dad man, post parties


Belly bumping


On our way back to Bis, with my BF in tow! I hadn't seen her since the day I found out I was pregnant . . .