What's very much been going through my mind this week are some of the struggles that this baby business has brought to the surface in my life. To be honest, the journey of pregnancy has been a little (and sometimes a lot) wrought with fear for me:
- Fear: Will I make it that "magical" 12 week mark, or will I miscarry?
- Fear: Will the baby continue to grow and stay healthy?
- Fear: Will my falling ways (so frustrating!) hurt the baby?
- Fear: Will the caffeinated coffee I'm sure Dunn Bros gave me yesterday (even though I neurotically asked them to make sure it was decaf) be enough to harm the baby?
- Fear: Will the ultrasound we have this Friday show that things are normal?
- Fear: Will I have to have a c-section?
Well, fear leads to anxiety, which leads to irritability, which leads to control-freakish ways and thoughts that the things I do or don't do can change the course of how things will be. And of course, before I was pregnant . . . . Fear: Will I ever be able to get pregnant?
And I'm not oblivious to the realization that this could just be the beginning, and as some fears are conquered, new ones arise:
- Fear: Will our baby be collicky ?
- Fear: Will our child be rebellious/properly independent/healthy/happy/safe and on and on and on and on and on.
How exhausting and unnecessary!
What a vicious cycle, and pointless. I heard a great quote once that "Worry is a rocking chair." That is, you move around a lot but don't (and can't) go anywhere.
And while we're talking about fear - my gosh, what about all the people who've been facing natural disaster and personal devastation this past week in my home state. The fact is, (and this is another borrowed phrase), control is an illusion. Sure, there are things we can control, out comes we may be able to manipulate, but I'm not writing this to go into those intricacies.
The thing is, I have a belief that God is in control - and I'm not here to push that on anyone either - it's just that if I believe that God is good and really does have the best in mind for me . . . then I have nothing to fear, right? This morning I was very much moved by a song (as was Sammy, he/she seemed to be dancing around to the tune):
Every blessing you pour out
I'll turn back to praise.
When the darkness closes in
Still I will say
Blessed be your name.
And that's what I've prayed for all along, that no matter what happens - now or ever, with a baby, with a child, with ANYTHING that life should bring my way - that I would still be able to authentically say "Blessed be your name." That doesn't mean things will always be easy or that praise will come easily. I've been immeasurably blessed in my 27 years, I've not known a lot of heartache. But there will be hard things, there will be trials. And it won't be easy. And I won't always react with praise. But I hope that eventually I'll be able to. For today, I am certainly filled with praise and feel humbled to know such love in this life, from God, from my husband, from family, from friends. Life is filled with sweet treasures. Life.