Saturday, May 9, 2015

Needy

"She thought to herself, 'This is now'. She was glad that the cosy house, and Pa and Ma and the firelight and the music, were now. They could not be forgotten, she thought, because now is now. It can never be a long time ago."
- last page of Little House in the Big Woods

". . . she felt as if it would be a greater relief to remain quietly at home, entirely free from any responsibility whatever, and so to rest her mind and heart in a manner which she had not been able to do for more than two years past . . . It was astonishing, almost stunning, to feel herself so much at liberty; no one depending on her for cheering care, if not for positive happiness . . . she might be idle, and silent, and forgetful - she might be unhappy if she liked . . . "
- from North and South, thoughts of the character Margaret

I remember beginning many a paper in high school and college with quotes - and these recent ones above seem so apt. As I type (this exact sentence, because I'm sentence by sentence these days). The first from Laura, well of course. NOW. Live NOW. This is our only today. The second - well, I will take these few Saturday morning moments. The tradition is for Trev to sleep in and then I eventually brew his coffee and Judah carries it up to daddy. Oh yes, so dear these days are. I'm also at this moment listening to a "relaxing" playlist Trev compiled. I love my music man.

The following 2 paragraphs are early morning stream of consciousness from a few days ago . . .

It's well into May, and my true confession is: our air conditioning is on. I always resolve not to do that, and then . . . Judah's monitor tells me the temp in his room (weird) and when it crept up to 79 despite all efforts to cool the upstairs. Well, can you tell how guilty I feel about this? There are better things to feel guilty about.

But why feel guilty? I just re-read The Gifts of Imperfection, what a refreshing reminder of so many things I need to hear. A couple recent quotes that are running through my head: the author says that so many times she thinks in her head, "It would feel so good to freak out right now! But, will that make anything better? No". I for sure recited that in my head when driving in awful traffic and listening to the kids have their own freak out in the back. Oh adulthood, how much there is to learn. I'm reminded it's not by my strength that I can grow in love and all those luscious fruits of the spirit (peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, self control, humility, love . . . ). Another line, so simple and helpful: listen to music, dance, laugh. YES. All these things. They happen naturally around here, it's amazing what miracles happen when we turn on music in the morning. I've been pulling up some old tunes, like "How Bizarre" &  "Tonight's Gonna Be a Good Night" - Karis grins when I dance while putting on my make up and I'm sure she'll join soon enough. I tried Ace of Base's "The Sign" until I realized how not worthy the lyrics are of my 5 year old's ears. Friends, any recommendations for uplifting, silly, marvelous music? Please, send songs my way!

On my mind and heart lately is the topic of needs. We all have needs. We're created with needs. But what do we REALLY NEED? And as a mother/wife I feel the responsibility of discerning everyone's needs - so we're not just spinning our wheels, so we're living abundantly (nothing like a ton of self pressure, right?). I do really have a renewed desire, though, to be attuned and wise and - present - to the needs of myself, my husband, my family. What does Karis need when she's moping? What does Judah need when he's freaking? What do I need when I feel like freaking?! What does Trevor need when he comes home from work? A couple Saturdays ago I clearly remember thinking I needed to get errands done, and then it hit me that I really needed a friend. As it happened, poof, Anne texted an invite to the park where we were headed anyway. Lately I need to clean out drawers, color with Karis and daily have Crio Bru (you should try it). Always I need Grace upon Grace. Anyway, I'm enjoying these thoughts, they seem purposeful in this season.

Keeping it real here, oh how I mess up in meeting needs! The most humbling thing happened when picking up Trev from his Lasik surgery. I felt overwhelmed in the moment (why?!), and he hadn't even had the surgery and . . . well, let's use Trevor's word and say it was legendary. Legendary. Enough to send me to a sad and reflective and repentant place - that has led to refreshment and vigor and life, gratitude for Trevor and a reminder of being there for him in every possible way in word and deed (as much or more as it's so natural to be there for my children).

I find it terribly difficult to receive unmerited favor that is grace, yet easy to live with regret. But to give grace, I have to receive it. That was a huge part of the Holy Week lesson for me, that continues into this Easter season (50 days of Easter on the calendar here!) - receiving forgiveness is as necessary as giving it, both are vital and linked. Grace upon Grace. I'm so grateful.

Oh, and by the way, click here for Grace - by U2. 

Happenings/Recent Routines:
  • Little Brother's Big Birthday: Drew, happy birthday! We loved time in Excelsior with him, Mel, Kirk & Nancy. So grateful for that guy's life
  • Easter: beautiful! Early service worship/nursery, home for Easter Egg hunt, pork roast, macaroons. He is Risen
  • Gale Woods Farm/Basement "work": Trev and Andy hit the basement while Beth & I took the kids to Gale Woods. So unfair, right? The kids and I even hit up a huge home book sale in Minnetrista on the way, at a beautiful farm house. We left Gale Woods happy and tired, and grilled out later with that dear framily that the Dierkers are to us
  • Fine Dining Club: every other week we have a new tradition of meeting Lee/Caroline/baby Asher at local "fine dining establishments". That's right, Culver's, QDoba, Potbelly's, Rusty Taco. Divine, delish
  • Local Pope Gal Dinner: at Pizza Lola with Debbie & Kate. Loved it, all
  • Okee Dokee Concert: with friends, at Orchestra Hall. So super. The kids perhaps loved best the parking ramp ride
  • Prayer night for children: at our church, they happen a few times a year and this was the first that children were invited to come and receive prayer - based on 1 Samuel 3:9-10. A separate post, I was completely humbled
  • Concert night: Sister Cassie came to town to see one of her faves, Lord Huron. So, sister Kate and I joined, and my what fun. I do try to step out of my comfort zone once in a while, and how perfect this was. First Avenue, crushed like sardines, great music, felt inspired/refreshed, got to think and zone out and just enjoy art with lovely ladies
  • Tickle book: Ten Tiny Tickles is what we often do when we come downstairs for the morning - smooshed onto a chair and going through the tickles
  • "Tell me something I don't know": a new game Karis and I play . . . sometimes on the way home from school. Stemmed from Karis saying, "Mommy, I ALREADY KNOW that!". So, this is a friendly way to dispel . . . 
  • French Park outing & Pizza/movie Saturdays: enough said, so simple and sweet
  • Grandpa Camp: loved having Grandpa Kirk here for a week of ins and outs, Tea Tuesday (and toaster oven, ha), elk burgers, local library (to read Barbie books!) & Lunds, coloring, hanging
  • Lasik surgery: despite my wife fail, the surgery was a great success. AND we got to watch the entire thing, on a screen. One of my first thoughts was how much I truly love Trevor's eyes. One of my second thoughts was how freaky it was
  • Grandma/pa Pope visit: Trev's parents stopped by while Trev was recovering, such a gift to us (literally - the kids colored and played with sand toys beautifully the next morning). So good to be with them as I felt quite weirded out with Trev mummified in bed with wacky goggles and vicadin haze
  • Guys weekend in NE: Trev joined my dad/bro for the Berkshire Hathaway Shareholders event. Sounded sensational, bonding, so glad they could go together
  • GrandmaS Camp: my mom and grandma came to keep me and the kids company while the guys were away, what memories we made. Hours in the back yard playing with a bubble mower, following Karis's imagination in "restaurant & grocery store", dining delights (Jets, OPH, Copper Hen, Glam Dolls, Snuffy's - we know how to pack it in!). Karis spent afternoons with them out and about, I rested. We all soaked in every minute of the weekend
Recent Reads:
This is US
Going Over East
Mountain 2 Mountain
The Heart of the Home
North and South
Positive Discipline
Parenting the Wholehearted Child
Positive Discipline
Nurture Shock
The Reading Promise

Trevor's Reads:
He continues to follow his book club's quite rigorous schedule - including Meno, Aristotle, Plato, Herodotus and other such books that I would probably never choose. It's fun to listen to his thoughts

Karis & Judah's books:
Little House in the Big Woods
Peter Pan
Chrysanthemum
Mr. Putter & Tabby
Hug a Bible
Robots
Peek a Boo
Five Little Monkeys

Karis-isms:
- "Judah can do plies!" (dance move - indeed!)
- "Look mom, we're doing the sprinkler!" (dance move, indeed!)
- "Mommy, the birds keep flying in the sky but none of them are coming to eat!" (her birdfeeder obsession is adorable)
- She lately loves to put Judah in her old flower girl dresses
- "We're playing boarding dance class. It's when Judah lives here and only goes  home for holidays"
- "Judah, wanna go see your . . . " (Said as I needed to change his diaper. I'm not going to go there right now, but yes, we talk about anatomy these days)
- "Well, sometimes I have two feelings. Like, it was funny and I didn't like it at the same time" (oh wise soul)
- "Momma, I have to say, I really like things with pockets"
- "It was neat that the kids got to have stones"
- "I mowed it" (as in, ate quickly)
- "When I go grow up, first I want to be a cello player in a concert. THEN I want to be a cheerleader."
- "Judah, let's loosey do!" (as in do-si-do, but not)
- "This is so satisfying. Mom, what does satisfying mean?"
- (to aunt Cassie) "This music makes me want to dance on my bottom"
- "I really love being my brother's sister. I also really love being a girl" (after I told her I love being her mommy, and also being Trevor's wife)
- "Mommy, even though this is just for kids, I'm going to let you have some" (talking about her blueberry tea)
- Her latest tick is to cough lightly or blow on her hands. And burping. Always fascinating to me (if not a little . . . concerning? Aggravating?)
- "It knocked the wind right out of my leg!"
- "This sweatshirt is growing out of me!"
- "Mommy, a duck planted her nest in our flower pot! There are yellow eggs!"
- Karis continues to live her name, "Grace". We do have our moments, of course, but really - I adore this girl

Judah jibes:
- "Park the car!" (first 3 word sentence)
- "Hi Katherine!" (a friend who was here for dinner, who he now talks about daily. Hello, new babysitter!)
- "Narnia! Caspian!"
- "Meat!"
- "Bookie! Crayonie! Pootsie!" (everything near and dear to Judah still has "ie" on the end)
- "Phone-ie!" (as in, his little phone. Which I thought was a cute addiction until I realized . . . he is carrying around his phone like an appendage, just like his parents).
- "Bless you!" (said so appropriately)
- "Thank you!" (mostly appropriately)
- "NO NO NO NO NO" (to everything. but only to me)
- "Yup!"
- "Hi Judah!"
- "Donuts. Mmmmmm."
- "Yummy!"
- "Wash your hands!"
- "Garbage. I throw away"
- "2 grandmas!"
- "Tic tacs!" (a recent thing of the day)
- "Grocery store!"
- "Bamma!" (word for "grandma")
- "yoga!"
- "Pocket!" (in which to put rocks)
- "I got it!"
- "Kare-ith? Kare-ith? There she is!"
- "litt-ul man"
- "nap!"
- "Hi home!"
- "home pootsie!" (because it is indeed different than the "car pootsie")
- "blue sky"
- "yellow crayon" (his fave)
- "tic tacs!"
- "Lady Gaga!" (a clip they watch with daddy, LG singing some Julie Andrew's songs at the Oscars. Oh my)
- "Running!"
- One morning he kept his sleep sack on for over an hour and managed to put on Karis's crocs, pad around the house, and have an epic tantrum
- Before bed he usually wants to talk about someone he saw/played with that day, such as "Cisco. Gentle, Cisco. Friend."
- When he wakes up, he often asks for Trev with hope, "Daddy, working?"
- He goes rigid and turns red when he forcefully says "NO!". This is a great alternative to hitting his sister, which also happens at times
- He still mooshes, loves to sit and look at books, dance, giggle hilariously, and run
- Basically, Judah is talking, listening, understanding, growing up TOO FAST. Loving most minutes









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