Sunday, August 2, 2009

T minus ???? Days

I'm fascinated that we're at the point where everything is "normal" now . . . and then on any given day, all of a sudden, things will change. We'll make our way to the hospital. Things will happen (not sure what it will all look like, but things will happen). We'll come home with a baby! And normal will all of a sudden look much different than it does right now as we sit in front of a Lord of the Rings movie after having a relaxed dinner.

Anyways. On my mind this week in a pronounced way has been the feeling of transition (now that I read that, "transition" could be quite a pun, as it's referred to as a specific and quite intense stage in the labor/birth process!). But no, I mean transition as it relates to stages of life, which this week equates change. My heart is heavy with some and elated with others:

- My bro moved his belongings out of our basement where he's resided for almost a year. He just couldn't stand us anymore! Not true (as far as I know or can tell), but his things are truly gone as he transitions to living in the home he's been renovating for several months. We're thrilled for him to have such a wonderful place to live, but will certainly miss the nightly games of Dutch Blitz, the shared meals, and all the other routine daily-ness that we've settled into. We never knew having him live here could be so wonderful, and we're grateful.

- Our dearest friends here are no longer here, as they packed up to move closer to their families (which happens to be quite far from here). So again, happy/sad. So happy that what they've sought after worked out, but quite devastated that we'll no longer see them on a weekly basis at church, dinners and lunches and parties in each other's homes, youth group planning and activities . . . very heavy sigh.

- I'm transitioning into my new "career" (motherhood) as I finished work on Friday. Again, so very happy/sad (sad to leave work, not sad to enter motherhood of course). I mean, I don' take for granted that I'm able to stay home with our baby for the foreseeable future - what a crazy and amazing gift! But really, I love to work, I enjoyed my work, and I adored the people with whom I was able to spend so much of my weekdays. I'll miss the place and the people tremendously and do hope to keep in touch. And I'll be honest, there's a great part of my identity that I put in my work, so it's a different feeling to lose part of that. The sermon this morning touched on that point - the tendency to attach so much of our perceived worth in what we do. Often unhealthily so. I can't think of anything I'd rather do right now than be a mom, and there is a great peacefulness in that.

And now we're waiting for the biggest transition of all, into parenthood. I'm thankful to say this change is all happy. I sat at our kitchen table yesterday morning and just wept to think of welcoming our daughter into our home, to think of all the support and encouragement and love God has blessed Trevor and me with, equipping us to pass that love along to each other and our now to our child. We had a great 37 week appointment a few days ago, and the midwife seemed thrilled at everything. To boot, I feel the best I have in a long time - walking, eating, & sleeping wonderfully.

Thanks to a dear friend's advice, I've been re-reading birth stories from Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Natural Childbirth. Each account reminds me about the beauty of creation, of birth and of the utter uniqueness yet sameness that bonds humankind from all time and across the world. I'm excited to see what our experience will be as the story is going to be written so soon. A sentence from one of these stories resonated with me deeply: "I knew this was the beginning of our baby's new life and the end of my selfishness and the part of me that was holding on to still being a child myself. My life was no longer my own. This was still the happiest and most spiritual day of my life." I'm already feeling some of that - the knowing of what selflessness will be required of me can be daunting at times. And yet I know it just happens (right?). I continue to delight in watching Trevor's enthusiasm and uninhibited confidence in, well, everything, and I am always thankful to share every step of every way with him.

We were SO blessed this week by a gift from someone we actually hardly even know (good friends of my brothers): a bag neatly packed with everything we need for our hospital stay! Toiletries, food, things for baby, everything! Considering "pack bags" has been on my list for a couple weeks, this gift almost had me in tears. I thought packing for the hospital seemed looming enough for me to dread it and put it off, that is until I read a friend and fellow blogger's post about packing for her entire family of four to go to Africa. Suddenly packing to stay in the hospital for a couple days doesn't seem like such a big deal! Aside: I have to say that said friend and her family are going to Africa on a mission trip with our church . . . she told the tale in this morning's service of how it came that her family is going, and it was simply beautiful and amazing.

The lists are back. Lists are scattered everywhere - in my head, on our counters, in my purse, by my bed. I love lists, but sometimes they can be unrealistic or just plain silly. Here are some of mine now:

On my pretty much crossed off list:

- Wash cloth diapers
- Learn how to use cloth diapers
- Learn how to wash actually dirty cloth diapers (my, they look so clean right now)
- Stroller purchased
- Baby clothes washed
- Car seat installed (thanks, Trev)

On my need to do list:

- CHILL OUT. TRY to sleep in for what could be the last time in a while. Take time for quiet, prayer, reflection.

On my don't need to do but seem to think I need to do list:

- Bake, cook, fill up the freezer with meals for postpartum (probably not going to happen)
- Get in touch with friends and family, visit friends and family, run around like crazy doing anything and everything I can think of
- Read about vaccines. Read about sleep habits/methods/theories. Read about parenting. Read frivolous fiction.
- Clean, clean clean (nest, nest, nest)
- Write letters, write cards, write in journals, write about the story of Baby K's name
- Make an e-mail list for announcing Baby K's arrival
- Catch up on photo albums/ordering pictures

Yeah, I'm trying to move the "chill out" to priority. Why is this hard for me? I annoy myself.

Deep breath. Okay, we had a great week and weekend. Yesterday we did the unthinkable: went to both the Mall of America and IKEA on a Saturday afternoon during peak vacation season. Well worth the trip and the walk and the claustrophobia to get to see a cousin who's in town, and then also to get ice cream from IKEA. We were thrilled to welcome another dear cousin here for the evening and had a blast grilling burgers, playing Halo, Blitz, and ending with a bonfire when my bro, one of Trev's cousins and some friends also joined. There is just something so unifying and mesmerizing about a fire - instant hours of guaranteed conversation. Gorgeous.

I did manage to plan something for every day this coming week, and look forward to seeing how it all unfolds - starting with making homemade ice cream with our youth group gals tomorrow. I'm excited. Life is so very good, and only about to get better. As a song in church this morning lyricized, "My heart is filled with thankfulness."




2 comments:

  1. Great post. I love that you talk about not getting to be selfish anymore. It is exactly the tension of parenthood. But I don't think a little selfish behavior occasionally is all bad. :) You are going to be a great mom. Welcome to your new career.

    Funny how preparing for Africa and preparing for birth turn out to be so similar. Maybe I should be viewing the experience from that perspective. Interesting...

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  2. eek all so exciting! I love the chill out part :)

    I'm sure you've heard but you won't want to use the CD's on baby k till her maconia poop is done :) They'll stain the diapers!

    Also butt paste stains the diapers, I don't think desitin is as bad, but def don't use butt paste.

    Lastly if the newborn inserts don't work (Bright peed right through them) skip to the bigger ones :)

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