The Big 1-0

Things the 22 year old bride couldn't have imagined ten years into the future (including, but not limited to):

Driving around with our kids, singing "Let it Go" louder than them.

That my husband would be more organized than me.

Getting irrationally irritated when he starts cleaning closets and cars, or vacuuming the living room furniture at 10pm after a date.

Looking so forward to quiet dinner dates at small plate restauarants.

Loving how he asks if we should go get Caribou with a guilty look on his face, like we'd be getting away with something if we did.'

Going to a restaurant called "The Pig Ate My Pizza" to celebrate (and furthermore, consuming unidentifiable meat).

Watching our kids as extensions of our love and personhood.

That I would understand his love of Harry Potter books.

That he would understand my love of endorphins.

That marriage would be so fun.

That marriage would be so much hard and refining and illuminating and rewarding work.

That we wouldn't always sleep in the same bed . . . because he'd be on our daughter's floor (careful, this could happen to you, ha!)

That we'd seemingly meet in the middle and influence each other. For example, at restaurants I am now more likely to order a steak and Trevor a salad . . . and Trevor is more disciplined in working out now than I've ever seen him.

That I'd send him a 10th anniversary gift via email. That it would take me ten years to replace the ill-fitting-returned-to-the-store cowboy boots I gave him as a wedding gift.


To mark the celebration (in true gotta extend the party as long as possible), we've enjoyed a series of little things to make the week special and memorable:

- The kids and I ventured downtown to see Trev at his work/meet his coworkers, then went to Rustica bakery for special bread and treats to last a couple dinners

- During bathtime one night I played all the different songs from our ceremony while Karis asked questions about our wedding: There is Love. Threads of Love. Come Thou Fount. How Beautiful. We had a lot of music, goodness.

- We had a great little date to downtown Robbinsdale where we visited Wuollet bakery, had dinner at The Pig Ate My Pizza, and a stop by Caribou on the way home (the kids loved their time with neighbor Chelsea and they were all eager to show us how Judah was chasing the ducks and "quacking). We also watched a favorite "Office" episode after bedtime, and remembered just how great that show is for our marriage.

- There was a "tenth anniversary of your bachelor party" gathering for Trev, including the brothers and Pizza Luce delivered to Dangerous Man Brewery

- I dug out a box of wedding "stuff" that we sorted through after dinner (which was leftovers, in case you're wondering what kind of special meal we had)

- We met my parents in Alexandria and while the kids entertained them, we had a 7 hour date (perhaps the longest time we've been alone together since Karis was born). We canvased the town, covered so much ground in that time: lunch at Broadway Bistro, meandering through a used book store and antique store, a stop at County Market for movie snacks and a text mishap, went to see Maleficent, went to Carlos Creek Winery for short stroll and a tasting, to Zorbaz for guacamole, to Dunn Bros for "bogo" Father's Day coffee. Whew! As it turns out, spending time alone together is really good for your marriage, and it also turns out that we still enjoy each other's company and doing the same things together. What a treat.

- Uncle D & Aunt M came over to do dinner and bedtime while we stole away to Nonna Rosa to squeeze one last toast in. This relaxing time on the restaurant patio included (and was funded by) Trevor's bean bag toss championship status (a work competition)


Karis-isms:
- "Oh, do they take the wind away?" (she was going through our DVD's and found Gone With the Wind)
- (looking at our wedding picture), "It doesn't look like a wedding dress. It looks like just a plain old dress"
- "Mommy, I'm like Sacagawea!" (while dragging Judah around on a blanket . . . and yes, she looked like a picture from one of our books)
- "And I pray that me and Marissa would get along, and I thank you that me and Everett are getting along"
- "Oh, we're so blessed they had donuts left!" (after a trip to a shop that we had heard sells out early)
- "My marker didn't listen to me, so that's its consequence"
- "I better not eat too much fruit so I don't smell like eggs"

Judah updates:
- The boy loves to be outside and will go cry by the back door almost first thing in the morning
- He loves to be wearing something around his shoulders (such as a sleep sack or sweatshirt)
- He insists on wearing his sleep sack on his shoulders (unzipped, like a robe) when he wakes up. Sometimes "needs" to wear it until we go somewhere for the day
- He was hilarious when he put on a lifejacket this weekend, he loved it and danced around like crazy
- He dances like a crazy man to any music, lately Okee Dokee Brothers is a fave
- He is quite wary of new situations, likes to stand by and scope things out before diving in
- He has the roundest, most adorable belly. I carry him around and rub his squishy little tummy
- He carries around the book Snuggle Puppy
- His main mode of communication is grunting
- His sign of choice right now is to raise his arms and wave his wrists. While this is "supposed" to mean "all done", for Judah it means everything ("more", "all done", "get me my milk", get me whatever that is on the table that you're eating", "get me my pootsie" . . . )

Wary little man, scoping out a park before jumping in to explore

Karis at a really cheesy outdoor puppet show that she absolutely loved

The Best of TImes, the Stressed of Times

In the usual post-along-the weeks way, I'm starting these thoughts on Thursday, June 5. The kids are sleeping later than usual, which is a mercy because they're recovering from croup and an ear infection (Judah, his first). I'm listening to my morning show on KTIS am 900, which is always a treat. I'm continuing to think about the grand start to our summer with a wonderful wedding followed by a reunion (in which over 30 people crashed the honeymooners, yes really!). It helps that, as we resurface, friends are asking about it all, and so we get to re-live in the re-telling. I tried to include some videos here, hopefully they work . . .

Images that flash to my mind:

The bridal party girls watching (through the windows at the golf course reception site) K & T steal their first look. Karis walking so seriously and beautifully down the aisle. The processional music that was beyond moving. The parents praying for their children at the altar while this song played. The pastor (friend of all the Pope boys) sermonize with grace and passion, telling a story about ducks and to "not be that duck" (you maybe had to be there). The look on Tay's face as Kate walked down the aisle, the vows they confidently affirmed, the Spirit moving in powerful ways as they entered the covenant He created. The joyous reception, the songs to get the couple to kiss (Trevor sang a rendition of brother Tay's "Congratulations to You", Karis sang "Jesus Loves Me"), the speeches, the words of thanksgiving and prayer that T offered to all those there to celebrate with them. Watching Karis see the bride for the first time, her look of enamor.

Standing across from Trevor at the altar of our church, glimpsing up at the stained glass picture of Jesus and the etching "Come to Me". Being in the very place that we receive the body and blood every week. Watching a marriage of loved ones begin.

We are beyond thrilled for T & K, and selfishly thrilled for us too. It's a joy to share the journey of life, to be able to understand each other, support each other, encourage. My brother reminded me that years ago I bugged the brothers, saying, "Come on guys, I'm ready for some sisters!". My heart is full to now have three amazing sisters, each of them radiant with love and grace and faith-filled beauty.

Now how about some cousins? Ha!

(continuing on June 6)

So many things about these weddings ring eternal: "the brothers" have all been in each other's weddings, starting with our's ten years ago. It's been ten years of watching our brothers find their loves, which has been such a joy. And that they all are such an integral part of each other's lives (meaning, my brother, Trev, Trev's brothers) - how unique and amazing. The bachelor party weekend tradition has been a hoot to witness (they have plans to retroactively do bachelor parties for cousins and friends). The speeches they've given to each other, the gifts, the memories. Quite a heritage.

Then all the traditions, I've been pondering the importance of them all - and for me, so much of the meaning of those traditions is the memories they bring up, of when Trevor and I went through those same motions. To be a part of all the showers, parties, ceremonies, dinners, dances - not only are these bonding times, but to reminisce about our own such times is always strengthening.

And then there's the children element, that Karis got to be in each wedding is beyond special, and to watch the progression across three years of how she's grown in independence and inner beauty - well, it takes my breath away to think about it all. Not to mention that the next time she walks down the aisle could very well be her own wedding (God only knows). At J's wedding at just under 3 years old she needed to walk down and stand with me, at D's at just over 4 years old she walked down with the other little flower girls and stood quietly at the front. And this time, she walked down by herself (choked up momma!) all serious and confident and radiant, a beautiful symbol of purity to precede the bride's grand entrance. She sat quietly with gma and gpa Pope the whole time, and then recessed behind the bride and partied the rest of the evening.

A Karis quote that continues to come up is, "Everyone just wants me to be their flower girl! It was a really special day for me. It was a special day for Kate, too". HA!

I will always remember Karis first seeing the bride - completely enamored. Which reminded me of the presence of the Spirit in the covenant celebration. We've been calling her "Aunt" since they got engaged, but something truly changes on the wedding day when the promises of marriage are sealed with a ceremony full of loving witnesses.

(June 7)

Apparently we're still crashing, kids continue to sleep late and my throat is tickling with whatever they must be recovering from. Which brings me to the title of this post: the best and stressed. Based on how relaxed I feel now, I realize how much we all gear up for weddings in our own ways. I think anyone who has any part in such occasions experience this as we're all concerned with our own part in making the day beautiful and as special as possible. The joy is huge, and so is the preparation and so is the unknown: will be healthy, will Karis put on the dress and walk down the aisle and not have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the ceremony (ahem, which she did during the rehearsal). Anyway, the variables with children continue to confound me and be a means of growth to "Let it Go" (thanks, Elsa), trust, execute plans with as much calm and grace as possible. And then to be in the middle of everyone's detailed preparation in their part, to watch the plans unfold so well, to watch everyone relax into the day . . . well, I suppose those relaxed and joyful feelings are pronounced from feeling any amount of stress in the process. The dance of life, always.

With each brother wedding, I can't help but think what a grace it was that Trev and I got married when we did - I really don't remember feeling stressed at that time, and I wonder if we just didn't realize what we were doing?! We've realized that if we got married now, I'd enjoy the day less and Trev would enjoy it more. Anyway, it's fun to think about these things in our little world.

(June 8)

Time to just hit publish post.

In reading and other encouragements . . . :

From Resurrection Year
"Some dreams may not come true, but most of our fears won't either"

From Harry Potter (book 6):
"It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more."

The words "joy and peace" seem to pop up a lot lately - it's how I pray for the nursery volunteers, and recently a friend told me this is how she was praying during the wedding season, and then that same day these two words were part of Jesus Calling.  A few days later from Thoughts to Make Your Heart Sing, Romans 15:13 - "The God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope . . . " I'm grateful.

This article

And this one

From Loving the Little Years
"Little girls need help sorting out their emotions, not so they can wallow in them but so they can learn to control them. A well controlled passionate personality is a wonderful thing. That is what dangerous women are made of. Don't be discouraged - it's just a lot of raw material"

From Bread & Wine
". . . they are very real, very normal children, not angels or devils, just children - difficult and sweet and exhausting and wonderful all in the same moment, all the time"

"despite my aching, desperate baby-love, it's my job to help into being a big boy. It's my job, my honor, to walk him, quite literally, from baby to toddler to boy to man"

Karis-isms:

- "It was my day. And it was Aunt Kate's day, too" (said from a true flower girl)
- "Can you check on the monitor for me?"
- "Oh mommy, you just sit and rest. I'll clean up the toy room" (mimic-ing Trevor - oh so thankful for his example)
- "Let's have a doll picnic" (mimic-ing Fancy Nancy)
- "Momma! I'm afraid for when I lose a tooth you might lose them all and I won't have any teeth. Momma, will that happen?"
- "I can almost taste the apples from the apple tree"
- "Coming! Coming slowly so not to upset my books" (which she was carrying)
- "Mommy, isn't it neat, I made them kiss!" (by singing "Jesus Loves Me" at the wedding reception)
- "Good luck! Au Revoir!" (said as she scurries upstairs before bedtime)
- "Oh mom, do they make pasta?!" (said as I explained the plants she was examining were hostas)
- "I wonder why it's number 1 and number 2?"
- "I put Daddy to bed, I tucked him in"
- "Lucy's my best play dater"
- "Can we take our stuff to heaven? Will there be food in heaven? I think heaven has just eggs to eat"
- "Yeah mom, you have to make it fun because we have colds"
- "Daddy, do the neighbors smell like eggs?" (let me know if you want more background on this one)
- "God made even more than the song . . . " (said while watching this song in the mornings. She often looks to me to see if I'm going to cry, which I sometimes do)
- "I'm going to stay here forever and ever. Even when I'm grown up. Maybe when I grow up I'll like eggs"
- "Mommy, I have a great idea. Maybe when I get married I could get my groom to live at our house and live together!"
- "MOMMY, DON'T MAKE RICE KRISPY BARS! DON'T MAKE MY LUNCH! I'M NOT GETTING DRESSED!" (yes, we have our moments)
- "Mommy, I have a great idea. When I'm an adult, I can be a mommy and you can be my children's mommy!"
- "I just keep thinking about shots. What can help me to not think about shots?" (oh these lessons start early and remind me to guard and choose my thoughts as well)
- "Mommy, let's pretend you're a bus driver. Wait, you can't be a bus driver, you're a MOMMY!"
- "You should write down what I just said cuz it's really adorable"
- Latest fave books: Those Summers, The Top Job, We Were Tired of Living in a House, When I Was Young in the Mountains
- "Mommy, is Grandpa Jim lonely" (I am amazed that she "gets this" as great grandpa Jim gets used to his wife, Linnie, now living in a care center)
- "Daddy, can you say 'whaz uuuuuuup'? I like it when you say that"

Judah updates:

- He's so gentle with things he's supposed to be gentle with: people's hair, pets, other kids
- He loves to wave, and does it so well with deliberate wrist movements. He waves to me when I get him out of his car seat, I love that
- He is the happiest when clutching onto one of Karis's toothbrushes (hilarious)
- He weathered a nasty bout with wheezing/labored breathing. I held my breath a lot those days, took him to the doc where they found an ear infection
- He loves to wear this certain yellow hat, which is such a wonderful thing because it keeps the sun from kissing his face too aggressively
- He loves to carry a blanket or a dress around, putting it on his head and walking blindly (I remember Karis doing this)
- He is territorial, when Karis tries to sit on my lap when he's there, he pushes her away
- In church he likes to walk across the aisle and climb up onto an empty pew and just sit there (in the balcony). When I'm working in the nursery, he has a 6th sense for when I step out . . . and then needs to be held the rest of the time.

Flower Girl through and through, having fun with the apple blossoms

Celebrating Eliza's 2nd birthday at Glam Dolls Donuts - too fun!

Judah dancing away at Glam Dolls

The Latest

(as always, this was started . . . over a month ago! So here'a  little catch-all update)

On the morning of K's most recent sleepover at her aunt and uncle's, I was reading a book that held this so-true reminder: "Grieving in parenthood begins at conception. Children will eventually leave. A woman who gives birth, or any mother,  knows it, although for awhile she may be in denial. Letting go is a daily event. Children are never really ours. It is an illusion to think otherwise"

As I write, we just returned from a wonderful trip to Bismarck and are now heading into "wedding week" for Uncle T & Aunt K. We are so thrilled!

Things to remember: 

One morning a couple weeks ago, for the first time Karis was sad when I dropped her off at school. So I walked her in and straight to her beloved teacher, Miss Julia (our friend, and daughter of my boss). She kindly took Karis and . .  Karis was smiling brightly when I picked her up . . . and in her cubby was a beautiful drawing by Miss Julia with a bible verse on the bottom. I cried. Feeling thankful. We all learn and grow together. 

At this stage in the game, we're enjoying the kids' early bedtimes . . . and once in a while we sneak out when they're asleep for a gathering here or there. Our favorite date spot is Milton's, we sometimes go there during the dinner hour while the neighbor girls come over to feed our kids noodles and play with them. I've been enjoying leaving at dinner time every now and then to meet friends for dinner, go to book club or attend a church meeting. It's easier to leave two kids than it ever was to leave just Karis - I find that interesting, liberating, and healthy. I'm always grateful for how hands on Trevor is, and he also sets a good example of maintaining identity and pursuing new interests (lately: pilates, 90px or whatever that is, hunting, hiking, running, reading new things for his book club, networking during his days, reaching out to those around him with joy). 

Something I think about lately is how we're all really just trying to live together peacefully and with as much kindness and joy as possible. There are always countless chances to practice daily. To end the days with a pile of regrets and another pile of victories . . . knowing that tomorrow is another mystery that will unfold with more things to add to the piles.

Life is precious, the days fly, the years do also. Trevor and I are quickly approaching ten years of marriage, yet I sometimes feel like I'm still 22: "How did I end up with these two kids and a house and neighbors and . . . ". This is a sweet season, I'm aware every day of the snapshots that will make up the memory book in my mind . . . 

Some snapshots in my memory (note that these reflections are written in the morning after I have a 12 hour break . . . I wonder what I'd write at night, or in the middle of a road trip?):

Watching Karis hike in the valley behind my parents' house, picking "bouquets", the breeze blowing her hair and her free spirit so evident. She also loved to twirl and twirl in the backyard . . . in her new "princess Ariel" nightgown/dress. 

Watching Uncle Karl teach Karis to ride a trike. 

Watching the kids bang on the piano together, practically head banging as Karis sings various renditions of "Let it Go". 

Watching Karis's "Spring Sing" at her preschool, and the way people commented on her exuberant expressiveness. 

Watching Karis and Judah interact in the backyard - Judah waits for Karis at the bottom of the slide. 

Watching Karis talk on the phone to my grandma, composed like such a little lady.

Watching Judah wake up, stretch out his arms

The way my kids laugh while riding in the car during torrential downpours

Rocking Karis before bed, the way she spills over my lap but still fits, reading her the part of Proverbs 31 that I've read to her since birth, singing "Jesus Loves Me" . . . wondering just how long we will do that? 

Rocking Judah before sleep, the way he maneuvers himself into the crook of my right arm (he makes sure it's my right arm). Saying his baptism verses, reading from I Love You This Much, singing "Jesus Loves Me" as I zip him up in his sleep sack and nuzzle him as lay him down in the crib.

Carrying Judah around, making sure that he's in my left arm (he makes sure it's my left arm). The way he rests his hand on my shoulder while securing his other thumb in his mouth. 

"Rise and Shine" in the morning, followed by reading from Karis's beloved "big girl princess books" in her tiny toddler bed (but only after I shower, insisted by Karis). More "Rise and Shine" when Judah gets up, more books . . . singing through our "morning work" (usually unloading the dishwasher), playing "morning music". Mornings are the best.

In random reading/watching/listening: 

From Cloister Walk by Kathleen Norris
"What is enough? As always, it seems the more I can distinguish between my trued needs and my wants , the more I am shocked to realize how little IS enough"

"They have large human hearts, getting larger. As they age, they're becoming more intensely themselves, and it's so good. Good for them, good for us, good for the children to see" (talking about her parents)

From Resurrection Year
"Dreams are the precious gift of our imagination. They create worlds that aren't yet real. They beckon us toward these worlds to inhabit them . . . they are uniquely ours. At their best, our dreams reflect our own personalities"

From Call the Midwife (the last lines of the show - sniff sniff, I'm grieving the end)
"For what is joy if not recorded, and what is love if not shared"

From a podcast by Shuana Niequist
"Don't let logistics get in the way of purpose/passion/calling during this crazy time of life (with young children)"

Lately there were three verses and/or quotes that popped up in various places of reading. I figure when that happens, they must be things that deserve thoughtful attention:

2 Timothy 1:7
"For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self control"

Chuck Swindoll
"Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children"

Ecclesiastes 9:9
"Enjoy life with your wife (or husband, I suppose), whom you love, all the days of your life"

A random attitude check: 

I had to (well, I guess I offered) to run an errand for Trev this morning: bringing his rifle to a gun shop. Ironically, I knew this shop well, because I drove by it sometimes multiple times a day - it's located on the corner of the road to our first apartment when we moved to Minneapolis. It made the most sense to do this errand on the way to preschool this morning. I was inwardly grumbling the whole way, irritated at the urgency of this errand in what is a plenty busy week (whoa, attitude). I was hoping it would be easy to just drop it off lightning fast and leave the kids in the car. Nope, no windows by which I could watch them - so I quick ran the gun case in, explained myself to a gruff and unsmiling man, then went back for the kids. Bring the kids in to this unlikely place to bring kids. I'm then greeted by a different, smiling man - a man that I recognize right away and tell him so: "Hey! I used to serve you coffee at Caribou!". He was one of my fave regulars, oh so long ago, and he remembered me (and I really think he did, didn't seem to be politely pretending). Well anyway, it was a good reminder that what I grumble about can turn into the highlight of the day. And it was a fun memory with Karis, later in the day she exclaimed, "Mommy, wasn't that a blessing that we saw the guy you knew at the gun shop?!". By the way, I never said, "Hey kids, here we are at the gun shop!". She figured it out (of course).

Karis-isms
- "Mommy, let me tell you a story . . . " (and proceeds to tell me stories about our lives. Such as a story about a busy mommy, or a baby who decides to stop nursing)
- "Daddy, can you text mommy and tell her that I miss her and that I hope she's having a special time. Let me know when she texts back"
- (playing outside) "Hi Robins! HI ROBINS! Are you friends? ARE YOU FRIENDS?!"
- "Are your hands wet?" (she doesn't like when my hands are wet)
- "I'm the leader!" (yes you are!)
- "Mommy, we have caterpillars at school! And they're going to turn into RACCOONS and then butterflies!"
- "Don't bite! Judah, no biting!" (laughing hysterically as Judah chases her around trying to bite her)
- She loves to stand on our furniture and sing concerts for us. I love this.
- She loves to wear her princess dresses (and she has many)
- She calls Trevor "Trevor" (refuses to call him daddy. Picking my battles here - especially since Trevor doesn't mind one bit)
- "Grandma Carole is the chief of shopping"
- "Mommy, do you know where I think the owl mother went? I think she had to go to book club!" (while reading Owl Babies, in which they are concerned about where their mother went)
- "The stinky cheese umbrella is too small for me, I think we should give it to Joshua Asp" (the stinky cheese umbrella is a sponge bob one, HA)
- "Praise God we're out of bad traffic" (indeed)
- "Daddy, I made dinner. Do you like the quiche?" (a tricky way to get K to eat eggs: have her make the quiche)
- "I'm so blessed to have rain boots. I think you should look for some, mom" (true)
- "Look mom, the church has a moat!" (on a rainy day)
- "Mommy, remember to be silly every day!" (I asked her to remind me, it's helpful)
- "Mommy, did I get too small for that dress?"
- "The sir didn't come back!" (after someone at our table at Perkins called out 'sir' to the waiter)
- "Other people can't call you mommy. They only call you Andrea"
- Books she's loving lately . . . An Angel for Solomon Singer, The Secret Remedy Book, Mr. Putter & Tabby, Alfie & Annie Rose 



Judah updates
- Walks. Like, really walks. Started taking steps at exactly 15 months and now by 16 months it's his main mode of transportation. I LOVE the beginning walking stage, I wish it would last forever. The look of pure delighted self-satisfaction . . . the tummy sticking out . . . the sideways walking and holding one arm down to balance . . .
- I love how he toddles over to me almost falling over himself, smiling in the hugest and squintiest way. Sometimes he squeals.
- Still crawls super fast. Sometimes while wagging his head back and forth. This kid is part puppy and still says "woo-woo" whenever he sees an animal or even a picture of an animal.
- He calls Trevor "ma". He is obsessed with Trevor and throws a fit when Trev leaves the room.
- Went on a nursing strike and never went back (deserving of its own post that will likely not get written)
- He loves milk and says, "Meh! Meh!" when he sees his sippy cup
- Judah adores music, loves to dance, and plunks away on the piano like a pro (well, like a 16 month old pro)
- He loves to climb on anything. Lately he hoists himself up on chairs and just sits there. He can easily find a way to climb on top of the dining room table.
- Asks for "more" by doing a little shoulder shimmy
- LOVES being outside. We discovered in Bismarck that he has a thing for collecting rocks - that is, collecting them in his fists and giving them to you
- He loves his thumb and pootsie. He loves for me to carry him around all morning, with his thumb in mouth and holding his pootsie.
- He has a mullet (for another day or two, anyway)
- He loves placing things on his head: such as blankets, crowns, headbands
- He loves to burrow into piles of clothes on the floor and roll around
- He loves to walk around with a blanket over him, playing peek-a-boo with himself and stumbling all over the place
- He's super social and observant
- He sometimes shakes with excitement
- He loves to empty the laundry basket
- He loves to hand things to others
- One of his favorite games is to dig in the cupboards for k-cups (future coffee drinker!)
- He is still "Squishy" to me, another fave nickname is "Judah Rudah"

Just passing the afternoon away in their jammies

in the church nursery

Feeling Lent-y

I started writing this on Ash Wednesday - and now it's Holy Week. And I am feeling really ash-y and lent-y and not at all Holy (which I suppose is the point). Yesterday, Palm Sunday, I found it hard to go forward to communion. I usually am able to look at the stained glass image at the altar, of Jesus on the cross, and feel completely washed. Yesterday I felt the shame of sin and guilt and found myself averting my eyes. How could I receive this gift, this grace, this sacrifice. Words swirled through my head, many from songs we've been listening to this Lent season: Rock of Ages, come rescue me. Weak and wounded, weary sinner.

But then, the hope came in the form of some of these songs at Palm Sunday service:

"Jesus paid it all"
"O Sacred Head Now Wounded"
"Come all Ye Pining"
"How Deep the Father's Love for Us"
"Sing to Jesus - Lord of our sinful hearts, He is our great Redeemer"

I'm sure it's no coincidence that during this Holy Week, I'd be grappling with some fierce feelings. And in the background I'm hearing that still, small voice telling me to feel those feelings, to grapple with them . . . and then surrender them, and be changed. Jesus came to save me, yes, and He also came to change me. This week I pray I could seek that surrender, receive that change, choose the thoughts and actions that bring Him glory and honor.

Yes, this is Holy Week. It's not a time to feel holy. It's a time to sink deep, to go low.

It's a time to prepare.

It's a time to look forward - it's Friday . . . but Sunday IS coming. To look forward. To hope. To know that there is a time to mourn, and a time to rejoice.

A couple songs that have been floating around here lately:

The Lord is Gracious and Compassionate

Sing to Jesus

Rock of Ages (not the version you're used to hearing!)

Beautiful, Scandalous Night


I also don't call it coincidence the books that have been put in my path these past 2 months- they all came through at the library at almost the same time, and sprinkling my mornings with pages from each has lent (pun intended) a vibrant flavor to this season.

From Mudhouse Sabbath by Lauren Winner:
"So you see that asking people into my life is not so different from asking them into my apartment. Like my apartment, my interior life is never going to be wholly respectable, cleaned up, and gleaming. But that is where I live. In the certitude of God, I ought to be able to risk issuing the occasional invitation."

From Cloister Walk by Kathleen Norris:
"I appreciated being led to the discovery that it is through our failings and weaknesses, our 'ways of imperfection,' that we find God, and God finds us, the God who can turn any mess we've made to the good" (talking about lives of Saints)

From My Sisters the Saints (great book), the author is speaking of Saint Edith Stein:
"A woman who follows the natural rhythms of prayer, work and rest will be rewarded with abiding peace . . . 'The surrender to which feminine nature inclines here appropriate; on the other hand, we also find here the absolute love and surrender for which we seek vainly in people'. Genuine spiritual motherhood lies in leading others to freedom, not dependence; in giving, not getting. But a woman cannot give what she does not first possess."

"I thought of how my relationship with my children would be . . . how wonderful it would be if I could be a perfect mother, a completely flawless, selfless nurturer whose loving guidance never erred. Not going to happen . . . there is no such thing as a perfect mother."

The Birthday Blog Post

Sometimes I wake up really early. Sometimes it's for no reason (except that maybe I went to bed really early). Sometimes it's because my kids get up and then I can't get back to sleep. Sometimes it's because someone (ah-hem, one guess: it's not me and it's not my kids) is coughing. And sometimes I figure, well, I'm up . . . why? Sometimes I figure, maybe it's to read, pray, or write. Sometimes I can do all three (four if you count my coffee cup on hand). This morning I'm adding listening to a podcast on Family Life Today with a guy I enjoy listening to.

So, read on if you want - this one is a journal, it's all about me this time, memories I want to record to remember a sweet season of little gifts. Maybe it will be encouragement down the road, who knows . . .

I fell asleep last night thinking about my birthday and how I could possibly sum it up. I woke up thinking, "I think I like getting older". I think I used to put some pressure on the day to be what it HAD to be (i.e. the perfect day). Something about having unpredictable children in my care has taught me to set my expectations a little lower than perfect (last year was the prime example: we ended up at the doc for both the kids, Karis struck napping, Judah screamed through Potbelly's dinner). However, one thing remains the same about that special day: it's special and I look for God's hand in making it blessed. Last year I realized that my favorite thing is taking care of my family, and I got to do that on my birthday (now that attitude HAS to be God). I expect Him to shape my attitude, I trust Him with my life and with the day. I've often wondered what life would be like if I lived with this mind set every day?

(Quick disclaimer for the rose-colored post here: I'm purposely excluding the "not perfect", there were plenty moments this week, but this is a time for celebration. Just saying, not all birthday bliss, but still so, so blessed)

This year was truly beautiful (not perfect), and I do feel so loved and cared for. There was the early surprise celebration with a delicious lakeside dinner and gifts on Friday night from B & L last weekend in Alexandria (thank you!) . . . and the surprise Saturday afternoon alone in the condo reading the book Bob brought and sipping decaf . . . and the Sunday water-sliding and remembering that I do indeed like a thrill.

There was the Tuesday meet-up with some besties at Costco for a "we're all sick and miserable so let's be sick and miserable together and get an errand done". There was the Tuesday dinner at Noodles with Lee and Caroline, preceded by a random visit to a "new" library, where we met new friends with kids the same ages who want to have a play date.

There was the Monday morning with my mom and gma, and a quick visit to the Target clinic with my gma ("You have a cold, go home and rest"). That evening, Trev brought home special tea and coffee and chocolate from a place in Linden Hills - his time and thought meant so much, and the early gifts turned out so perfect - Karis and I enjoyed the treats for Tea Tuesday, and I've had a wonderful time sharing the treats with friends who've been here this week. Thanks, Trev (sipping the coffee now).

There was the weekend visit from my parents that came at the most providential time - Trev ended up in bed sick all weekend (which gets lonely for this momma), their company and help and attention was such a gift. Karis got pink eye and an ear infection, their extra love for her was so amazing. The Friday highlight was doing something that I really wanted to do for my birthday: have a Frozen pizza party. My mom, dad, grandma, Karis and me hunkered down and watched the movie in the afternoon . . . then went to Costco and to Nadia's cakes to get cupcakes . . . then finished the movie with Jets on the floor of the TV room. Delightful, delicious, memorable. The icing on the cupcake was putting the kids to bed early and enjoying decaf and cupcakes with "the adults". Saturday we celebrated at our fave neighborhood spot, Milton's. Judah was squirmy, Karis wasn't feeling good and wanted to go home, and I couldn't have been happier (again, that attitude has to be from the Blesser). I'll never forget all these things. Oh, and I got some gals-only outings (kid-less) on Saturday and Sunday, precious times of connection (and treats).

And then, the actual day. I left it pretty open, wondering what might happen . . . very unlike me, I love to plan plan plan. I made sure to have all the housework done the day before, my gift to myself was no laundry/dishes/cooking/cleaning. Karis was up early, so I brought her in bed with me to read the "Birthday Psalm" (139), and started the day soaking in the miracle of being Created with Love and intricacy and delight. We tried to think of all sorts of "B" things, starting with bacon (Karis thought we should have sprinkles on our slices, why not?).

The first surprise was when we went to Trader Joe's before preschool. Karis picked out my flowers ("Mommy, it's your birthday. Someone ELSE has to pick out your flowers!"). At the checkout, she told the cashier what the pink tulips were for, and the gracious grandmotherly figure said "the flowers are on us". And for some reason we got to talking about being a parents, the higher highs and lower lows (it has been a bit of a wild ride with Karis and me lately, so I was maybe a little sensitive). She said something that made me tear up: "You know, moms really have to learn to forgive themselves". She also ended up saying, "God only knows . . . God only knows." Goodness, yes. Thank you for the flowers and the apt words, Trader Joe's lady.

We had enough time then for my free coffee from Caribou, and the kids climbed around and I just loved that moment. Karis had pajama day at preschool, which really made her day, and it was fun to drop her off and see her head into her own little party. I got to rest during preschool while Judah napped. Before picking K up, I ended meeting my bro for coffee, which is always special (thanks for the donut muffins, DP!). Papa Murphy's was right next door, so I picked up my birthday dinner before heading to pick up K. Who proceeded to scream almost the whole way home, but that's another story (we also had some super sweet interactions throughout the day).

The afternoon flew with minor and major meltdowns (not-feeling-well Karis), but we weathered it all well, had some good cuddles. The other great surprise was having some dear friends swing by for afternoon tea, the kids played, we all feasted on berries and shortbread and yummy vanilla and chamomile tea (that is actually the flowers, so fun to show the kids) and their presence filled my cup.

There were the texts and facebook messages and cards that make the day a beautiful reminder of all the amazing people that grace my life.

Trev got home early, whisked the kids away to get cards at the dollar store (blissful quiet), we had a quick Frozen pizza party, opened the gifts my parents left (thank you!), early bed for all . . .

The gifts continued on Thursday with a spontaneous morning visit from dear friends - of which the mom was due with her 3rd child on my birthday and is now trying to fill the time in the "past-due" stage. And next in the form of picking up new eyeglasses - the bonus gift being the optician who listened to me talk about the ride there (not perfect, to say the least) and ended with hugs and treats for Karis that completely turned the day around for both of us.

Yes, I like getting older (for this season anyway). To be honest, some people I care about have been faced with grief and loss lately . . .  life is not always so rose colored and I can only hope I can be responsible with these seasons of "overflow" to somehow give. I hope.

Winter Wonderland (and some breaks from it)

This winter has flown (or, as they say: "the days are long but the weeks are short"), and for the sake of record-keeping, here's a recounting in chronological order:

- New Year's: What a gift to welcome Gpa Kirk & Gma Nancy to celebrate. Highlights included "pizza in", celebrating Uncle Drew's completion of his master's program, and just spending quality time together (also re-celebrating Christmas with D & M, and watching the kids enjoy the boxes, and Karis commanding everyone while she "played ship")

- Late January, Sanibel Island: We were so thankful for an escape to warmth and sunshine. We fell into an easy rhythm with Grandpa Kirk, Grandma Nancy, Uncle Drew, and Aunt Melanie . . . morning walks on the beach, seashell-scouting/picking (all of Karis's "for Everett and Marissa"), lunch, outings, dinner, kids-in-bed, games. I don't take for granted what a gift it is to spend time with family and just so wholly enjoy each other. Memorable moments were watching Karis splash in the water wearing her "surfer girl shirt", watching Tangled as a family, reading Olivia books, chasing Judah up the stairs, me and the kids very successfully all sleeping in one room together, stumbling on yummy coffee and ice cream and burger joints. So refreshing and beautiful.

- A late January weekend visit from Gpa Bob & Gma Lorie: swimming at the hotel, delish dinner at Good Day Cafe, fun chats. Memorable to some of these times is the way Gpa Bob carries Judah around restaurants and Karis chases them

- Karis got to ice skate for the first time, guided by master skaters Uncle Stevie & Aunt Debbie

- Trev got away in February to the men's retreat. Me and the kids filled the days with lots of play dates and treats (donut date within 20 minutes of waking up Saturday morning, lunch with friends, dinner at EPC with D & M) and early bedtimes

- Me and Judah got away to Amery, WI for a children's-leaders-team church retreat. So beautiful, and precious time with dear women. Reflecting, thanking, dining, supplicating

- Valentine's Day:  the wonderful traditional "pizza in" with Gma & Gpa and Drew & Melanie. Followed by a weekend of birthday and job celebrations (OPH, Eat Shop, and Stellas - yummy fun!) and a sleepover for Karis at the hotel (which translates - some fabulous quiet time for mommy)

- March get-away in Alexandria: Gpa Bob & Gma Lorie invited us to join them for a weekend in Alexandria. The place was gorgeous and I felt very spoiled with a birthday celebration, time to rest and get lost in a page-turner Bobby brought to share (the Invisible Thread, excellent). Memorable Judah moments are the way he plays peek-a-boo and teases, and the way he and Karis interact so hilariously (and mostly safely). Memorable Karis hilarious braved the big waterslides and got her face very wet - I even joined them on Sunday morning and was grateful to tap into my "wild side" (ha)

And now, it's already the middle of March. Which means, we're celebrating Gpa Kirk's birthday, and mine too. All month long, of course!

Oh, and we're celebrating Trevor starting a new job this week! To heighten the celebration, we got water in our basement on his first day at the new gig. He handled the mess with so much grace and composure - he's an excellent home owner and I'm always grateful to see his character shine through in those unexpected situations.

I had a revelation about him starting work, a humbling one: I was a ball of nerves his first week of work . . . . and I realized I can relate to Trev's exhaustion, etc. when I give birth. He's the one doing all the work, and I'm the anxious and spent one. Hmmm, put that into perspective for me.

I recently read this verse that made me think of this season of life. Psalm 13:5-6
"But I have trusted in Your mercy
my heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
because He has dealt bountifully with me"

Frozen

Here's another post that has been literally months-in-the-writing . . . ironically, I'm writing as I watch water drip from the window. Our eternal winter seems to be ending! Just in time for the movie Frozen to be "in our TV" (in Karis's words - she doesn't know yet that it is indeed "in our TV" thanks to Amazon Prime).

Yes, Frozen. Frozen deserves its own blog post. Frozen was a huge part of our winter: viewing the movie 3 times (Aunt Cassie, Daddy, Mommy). Frozen dance parties almost every afternoon. Frozen paraphernalia scattered around the house. Talking about Frozen at the dinner table. Pretending to be Elsa on top of the snow mountains in our front yard. Karis enters the world of Frozen with her whole heart, I watch her emulate the characters, replay scenes, sing, dance.

One of my favorite winter memories was during Epiphany, we gave Karis Epiphany gifts, one each day for a few days. On Epiphany Sunday, we came home from church and had a rushed lunch and then gave an Elsa barbie doll to Karis as her final gift. Her exclamations included, "I'm so glad it wasn't a book! This is the best day of my life! Can we have more Epiphany?!". Memorable to the max. Then ten minutes later Trev whisked Karis away to see the movie (we often don't tell Karis about "treats" until they happen, it can be a long day of "when are we going to . . . " when she knows too early).

An apt quote I read lately in Russell Baker's memoir Growing Up, said about when he was young and for Christmas received a toy steam shovel from his grandmother : "Left to her own devices, my mother, I suspect, would not have thought of such a beautiful, ingenious machine but would have given me a book".

Indeed! I mostly give Karis books. This taught me that mommy's can be fun and indulgent too, and Frozen has indeed taught me to "Let it Go" (if you're not familiar, that's a hit song from the movie). Because here's the thing - when Karis latched on to Frozen and wouldn't let go, I was a bit anxious and fearful and hesitant. We "opened the Disney door" and it seemed there was no going back (why this made me anxious, well - I guess that's another post). As the days went by, seeing her imagination thriving, and watching some of the online clips with her, I started to "get it". I started to meet her where she IS. And wow, meeting in the middle on something Karis chose to love made such a difference in our relationship. We bonded over the enjoyment of the music. We decided to try Frozen clips as an "incentive" for trying to "sleep like a big girl" and for a while Trev was back in our bed.

This is a lesson I hope to remember - "Let it Go". Let Karis choose. Meet her where she IS, love and embrace and enjoy (when the object of interest is benevolent, that is).

Taking Karis to the movie is one of my favorite memories ever . . . we woke up one cold Saturday in February and I said, "Guess where we're going this morning?". We whisked away to a morning show and I took in the whole experience: the way Karis brought a purse to match mine, wore her purple-dollar-bin crown. The way several of the children in the audience were saying, "Mom, you're gonna LOVE it" (I was in the company of other moms whose daughters had seen it before and without them). As the scenes unraveled and we immersed ourselves intensely in the story, I saw why Karis has been so captivated - because now I am, too. The story reminded me to "open the doors" in staying open in relationships, to "avoid ice-olation", to "let it go".  It reminded me that inner conflict can be difficult but that there is freedom in embracing that that there is strength in weakness.

Karis and I came back from the movie exhausted - she went and laid on the floor in the toy room (and really kind of shut down and was quite out of sorts). I felt like I couldn't possibly articulate the experience. I guess we kind of came down from the high of the ice castles and back to reality. But really, what a wonderful memory of time together. And really, those Frozen dance parties saved the winter.

And really, I have so much more I could say about Disney and Frozen: the theme of mother/daughter/parent relationships, grieving lost time while moving forward, the villainization of mothers (!). I'm going to leave some of those jumbled thoughts in my head for now.

The barista even wrote "Princess Anna" on the cup

Some outside thoughts on Frozen:

This blog post  - I think both Karis and I have some "extra", and it's good to be on this journey of learning to not be ruled by emotion (yet to feel at the same time).

This article - her way of articulating a day with children made me laugh and almost cry. And the part about not being able to really communicate with Trev in the way I'd like at the end of the day . . . well, she just put words to the momma-feelings that are part of daily life.


Some other Karis-isms: 

- "Oh I wish I could just stay in bed until winter is done"
- (after I said to Karis, "Can you just stay little forever?"): "No mommy! The thing about kids is, they grow up!"
- "Hey mom, let's send a text message to Teavana and tell them the honey stick is good in hot chocolate!"
- After I asked Karis if she'd take me to see Frozen, she said, "But mommy, I can't drive!". Then she grabbed my face and said, "Mommy, I have to tell you. There are some little shows before Frozen comes on!"
- "Mommy, can you please be a good mommy and not throw my toys and art away?" (she sees scraps in the garbage sometimes. oops)
- "Best day ever!" (a line from Tangled, which really has become a fun catch phrase around our house)
- "Mom, I have a great idea! Judah should have an 'Olaf' Birthday when he turns two!"
- "I'm going back to Arandelle" (said while on top of a snow bank and I went out to check on her)
- "The internet is a bunch of computers connected to a network"
- "Mommy, I'll pray a quick blessing over you: Father, I pray that you would give mommy peace, and joy and confidence"
- "Da-da, what are the games behind my eyes?" (we think she means dreams)
- "So, do you have any husbands?" (said to a babysitter before she left for the evening)
- "Dear Lord, I pray that daddy would put up ALL his crafts at work. And I pray that we'd live in this house forever"
- "We'll have to just see how the day goes" (think she's heard that before?)
- "Well mommy, sometimes I can't do things right away" (think she's heard that before also?)
- "Oh wow, my room is a MESS!" (um, I try not to say that!)
- "I don't like your pajamas. I don't want to spend time with you" (I've for sure never said that)
- "I have two daddies: Trevor, and my daddy in heaven" (wow, I was blown away. I later learned this was an in-depth topic at Sunday school one day, when a precious little girl was talking about how she doesn't have a daddy. Heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time . . . )

Other tidbits from here and there:

This song: Come Down, O Love Divine

In reading:

From At Large and At Small by Anne Fadiman: "One reason we have children, I think, is to experience through them the miracle of (creation): to learn that parts of ourselves we had given up for dear are merely dormant, and that the old joys can re-emerge, fresh and new and in a completely different form."

From A Step From Death by Larry Woiwode (don't even get me started on how much I loved loved loved this book):
"Up to the age of four, the loveliest age in children, when they're still wholly themselves, before the world of learning and its version of what is 'real' has had a chance to impinge--to that age you were mostly mine."

From What I Think I Did by Larry Woiwode (the paragraph that closes the book)
"It has all been gravy . . . and better, grace and gracious people put in my way, and yet more grace. I wring my hands as if washing them, wishing they were wings to lift me off in this wind streaming through me in a force I've never felt until now, or so I think, and then I think, I'm launched."

From Still Points North by Leigh Newman:
"Because talking is not always what is being said. Sometimes, there's a story underneath the words of husbands and wives - and fathers and mothers and grandmothers . . . - and, in my small, inglorious experience, regardless of how it ends, regardless of every indication that seems so emphatically to contradict it, that story is almost always a love story."