The Latest

(as always, this was started . . . over a month ago! So here'a  little catch-all update)

On the morning of K's most recent sleepover at her aunt and uncle's, I was reading a book that held this so-true reminder: "Grieving in parenthood begins at conception. Children will eventually leave. A woman who gives birth, or any mother,  knows it, although for awhile she may be in denial. Letting go is a daily event. Children are never really ours. It is an illusion to think otherwise"

As I write, we just returned from a wonderful trip to Bismarck and are now heading into "wedding week" for Uncle T & Aunt K. We are so thrilled!

Things to remember: 

One morning a couple weeks ago, for the first time Karis was sad when I dropped her off at school. So I walked her in and straight to her beloved teacher, Miss Julia (our friend, and daughter of my boss). She kindly took Karis and . .  Karis was smiling brightly when I picked her up . . . and in her cubby was a beautiful drawing by Miss Julia with a bible verse on the bottom. I cried. Feeling thankful. We all learn and grow together. 

At this stage in the game, we're enjoying the kids' early bedtimes . . . and once in a while we sneak out when they're asleep for a gathering here or there. Our favorite date spot is Milton's, we sometimes go there during the dinner hour while the neighbor girls come over to feed our kids noodles and play with them. I've been enjoying leaving at dinner time every now and then to meet friends for dinner, go to book club or attend a church meeting. It's easier to leave two kids than it ever was to leave just Karis - I find that interesting, liberating, and healthy. I'm always grateful for how hands on Trevor is, and he also sets a good example of maintaining identity and pursuing new interests (lately: pilates, 90px or whatever that is, hunting, hiking, running, reading new things for his book club, networking during his days, reaching out to those around him with joy). 

Something I think about lately is how we're all really just trying to live together peacefully and with as much kindness and joy as possible. There are always countless chances to practice daily. To end the days with a pile of regrets and another pile of victories . . . knowing that tomorrow is another mystery that will unfold with more things to add to the piles.

Life is precious, the days fly, the years do also. Trevor and I are quickly approaching ten years of marriage, yet I sometimes feel like I'm still 22: "How did I end up with these two kids and a house and neighbors and . . . ". This is a sweet season, I'm aware every day of the snapshots that will make up the memory book in my mind . . . 

Some snapshots in my memory (note that these reflections are written in the morning after I have a 12 hour break . . . I wonder what I'd write at night, or in the middle of a road trip?):

Watching Karis hike in the valley behind my parents' house, picking "bouquets", the breeze blowing her hair and her free spirit so evident. She also loved to twirl and twirl in the backyard . . . in her new "princess Ariel" nightgown/dress. 

Watching Uncle Karl teach Karis to ride a trike. 

Watching the kids bang on the piano together, practically head banging as Karis sings various renditions of "Let it Go". 

Watching Karis's "Spring Sing" at her preschool, and the way people commented on her exuberant expressiveness. 

Watching Karis and Judah interact in the backyard - Judah waits for Karis at the bottom of the slide. 

Watching Karis talk on the phone to my grandma, composed like such a little lady.

Watching Judah wake up, stretch out his arms

The way my kids laugh while riding in the car during torrential downpours

Rocking Karis before bed, the way she spills over my lap but still fits, reading her the part of Proverbs 31 that I've read to her since birth, singing "Jesus Loves Me" . . . wondering just how long we will do that? 

Rocking Judah before sleep, the way he maneuvers himself into the crook of my right arm (he makes sure it's my right arm). Saying his baptism verses, reading from I Love You This Much, singing "Jesus Loves Me" as I zip him up in his sleep sack and nuzzle him as lay him down in the crib.

Carrying Judah around, making sure that he's in my left arm (he makes sure it's my left arm). The way he rests his hand on my shoulder while securing his other thumb in his mouth. 

"Rise and Shine" in the morning, followed by reading from Karis's beloved "big girl princess books" in her tiny toddler bed (but only after I shower, insisted by Karis). More "Rise and Shine" when Judah gets up, more books . . . singing through our "morning work" (usually unloading the dishwasher), playing "morning music". Mornings are the best.

In random reading/watching/listening: 

From Cloister Walk by Kathleen Norris
"What is enough? As always, it seems the more I can distinguish between my trued needs and my wants , the more I am shocked to realize how little IS enough"

"They have large human hearts, getting larger. As they age, they're becoming more intensely themselves, and it's so good. Good for them, good for us, good for the children to see" (talking about her parents)

From Resurrection Year
"Dreams are the precious gift of our imagination. They create worlds that aren't yet real. They beckon us toward these worlds to inhabit them . . . they are uniquely ours. At their best, our dreams reflect our own personalities"

From Call the Midwife (the last lines of the show - sniff sniff, I'm grieving the end)
"For what is joy if not recorded, and what is love if not shared"

From a podcast by Shuana Niequist
"Don't let logistics get in the way of purpose/passion/calling during this crazy time of life (with young children)"

Lately there were three verses and/or quotes that popped up in various places of reading. I figure when that happens, they must be things that deserve thoughtful attention:

2 Timothy 1:7
"For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self control"

Chuck Swindoll
"Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children"

Ecclesiastes 9:9
"Enjoy life with your wife (or husband, I suppose), whom you love, all the days of your life"

A random attitude check: 

I had to (well, I guess I offered) to run an errand for Trev this morning: bringing his rifle to a gun shop. Ironically, I knew this shop well, because I drove by it sometimes multiple times a day - it's located on the corner of the road to our first apartment when we moved to Minneapolis. It made the most sense to do this errand on the way to preschool this morning. I was inwardly grumbling the whole way, irritated at the urgency of this errand in what is a plenty busy week (whoa, attitude). I was hoping it would be easy to just drop it off lightning fast and leave the kids in the car. Nope, no windows by which I could watch them - so I quick ran the gun case in, explained myself to a gruff and unsmiling man, then went back for the kids. Bring the kids in to this unlikely place to bring kids. I'm then greeted by a different, smiling man - a man that I recognize right away and tell him so: "Hey! I used to serve you coffee at Caribou!". He was one of my fave regulars, oh so long ago, and he remembered me (and I really think he did, didn't seem to be politely pretending). Well anyway, it was a good reminder that what I grumble about can turn into the highlight of the day. And it was a fun memory with Karis, later in the day she exclaimed, "Mommy, wasn't that a blessing that we saw the guy you knew at the gun shop?!". By the way, I never said, "Hey kids, here we are at the gun shop!". She figured it out (of course).

Karis-isms
- "Mommy, let me tell you a story . . . " (and proceeds to tell me stories about our lives. Such as a story about a busy mommy, or a baby who decides to stop nursing)
- "Daddy, can you text mommy and tell her that I miss her and that I hope she's having a special time. Let me know when she texts back"
- (playing outside) "Hi Robins! HI ROBINS! Are you friends? ARE YOU FRIENDS?!"
- "Are your hands wet?" (she doesn't like when my hands are wet)
- "I'm the leader!" (yes you are!)
- "Mommy, we have caterpillars at school! And they're going to turn into RACCOONS and then butterflies!"
- "Don't bite! Judah, no biting!" (laughing hysterically as Judah chases her around trying to bite her)
- She loves to stand on our furniture and sing concerts for us. I love this.
- She loves to wear her princess dresses (and she has many)
- She calls Trevor "Trevor" (refuses to call him daddy. Picking my battles here - especially since Trevor doesn't mind one bit)
- "Grandma Carole is the chief of shopping"
- "Mommy, do you know where I think the owl mother went? I think she had to go to book club!" (while reading Owl Babies, in which they are concerned about where their mother went)
- "The stinky cheese umbrella is too small for me, I think we should give it to Joshua Asp" (the stinky cheese umbrella is a sponge bob one, HA)
- "Praise God we're out of bad traffic" (indeed)
- "Daddy, I made dinner. Do you like the quiche?" (a tricky way to get K to eat eggs: have her make the quiche)
- "I'm so blessed to have rain boots. I think you should look for some, mom" (true)
- "Look mom, the church has a moat!" (on a rainy day)
- "Mommy, remember to be silly every day!" (I asked her to remind me, it's helpful)
- "Mommy, did I get too small for that dress?"
- "The sir didn't come back!" (after someone at our table at Perkins called out 'sir' to the waiter)
- "Other people can't call you mommy. They only call you Andrea"
- Books she's loving lately . . . An Angel for Solomon Singer, The Secret Remedy Book, Mr. Putter & Tabby, Alfie & Annie Rose 



Judah updates
- Walks. Like, really walks. Started taking steps at exactly 15 months and now by 16 months it's his main mode of transportation. I LOVE the beginning walking stage, I wish it would last forever. The look of pure delighted self-satisfaction . . . the tummy sticking out . . . the sideways walking and holding one arm down to balance . . .
- I love how he toddles over to me almost falling over himself, smiling in the hugest and squintiest way. Sometimes he squeals.
- Still crawls super fast. Sometimes while wagging his head back and forth. This kid is part puppy and still says "woo-woo" whenever he sees an animal or even a picture of an animal.
- He calls Trevor "ma". He is obsessed with Trevor and throws a fit when Trev leaves the room.
- Went on a nursing strike and never went back (deserving of its own post that will likely not get written)
- He loves milk and says, "Meh! Meh!" when he sees his sippy cup
- Judah adores music, loves to dance, and plunks away on the piano like a pro (well, like a 16 month old pro)
- He loves to climb on anything. Lately he hoists himself up on chairs and just sits there. He can easily find a way to climb on top of the dining room table.
- Asks for "more" by doing a little shoulder shimmy
- LOVES being outside. We discovered in Bismarck that he has a thing for collecting rocks - that is, collecting them in his fists and giving them to you
- He loves his thumb and pootsie. He loves for me to carry him around all morning, with his thumb in mouth and holding his pootsie.
- He has a mullet (for another day or two, anyway)
- He loves placing things on his head: such as blankets, crowns, headbands
- He loves to burrow into piles of clothes on the floor and roll around
- He loves to walk around with a blanket over him, playing peek-a-boo with himself and stumbling all over the place
- He's super social and observant
- He sometimes shakes with excitement
- He loves to empty the laundry basket
- He loves to hand things to others
- One of his favorite games is to dig in the cupboards for k-cups (future coffee drinker!)
- He is still "Squishy" to me, another fave nickname is "Judah Rudah"

Just passing the afternoon away in their jammies

in the church nursery

Feeling Lent-y

I started writing this on Ash Wednesday - and now it's Holy Week. And I am feeling really ash-y and lent-y and not at all Holy (which I suppose is the point). Yesterday, Palm Sunday, I found it hard to go forward to communion. I usually am able to look at the stained glass image at the altar, of Jesus on the cross, and feel completely washed. Yesterday I felt the shame of sin and guilt and found myself averting my eyes. How could I receive this gift, this grace, this sacrifice. Words swirled through my head, many from songs we've been listening to this Lent season: Rock of Ages, come rescue me. Weak and wounded, weary sinner.

But then, the hope came in the form of some of these songs at Palm Sunday service:

"Jesus paid it all"
"O Sacred Head Now Wounded"
"Come all Ye Pining"
"How Deep the Father's Love for Us"
"Sing to Jesus - Lord of our sinful hearts, He is our great Redeemer"

I'm sure it's no coincidence that during this Holy Week, I'd be grappling with some fierce feelings. And in the background I'm hearing that still, small voice telling me to feel those feelings, to grapple with them . . . and then surrender them, and be changed. Jesus came to save me, yes, and He also came to change me. This week I pray I could seek that surrender, receive that change, choose the thoughts and actions that bring Him glory and honor.

Yes, this is Holy Week. It's not a time to feel holy. It's a time to sink deep, to go low.

It's a time to prepare.

It's a time to look forward - it's Friday . . . but Sunday IS coming. To look forward. To hope. To know that there is a time to mourn, and a time to rejoice.

A couple songs that have been floating around here lately:

The Lord is Gracious and Compassionate

Sing to Jesus

Rock of Ages (not the version you're used to hearing!)

Beautiful, Scandalous Night


I also don't call it coincidence the books that have been put in my path these past 2 months- they all came through at the library at almost the same time, and sprinkling my mornings with pages from each has lent (pun intended) a vibrant flavor to this season.

From Mudhouse Sabbath by Lauren Winner:
"So you see that asking people into my life is not so different from asking them into my apartment. Like my apartment, my interior life is never going to be wholly respectable, cleaned up, and gleaming. But that is where I live. In the certitude of God, I ought to be able to risk issuing the occasional invitation."

From Cloister Walk by Kathleen Norris:
"I appreciated being led to the discovery that it is through our failings and weaknesses, our 'ways of imperfection,' that we find God, and God finds us, the God who can turn any mess we've made to the good" (talking about lives of Saints)

From My Sisters the Saints (great book), the author is speaking of Saint Edith Stein:
"A woman who follows the natural rhythms of prayer, work and rest will be rewarded with abiding peace . . . 'The surrender to which feminine nature inclines here appropriate; on the other hand, we also find here the absolute love and surrender for which we seek vainly in people'. Genuine spiritual motherhood lies in leading others to freedom, not dependence; in giving, not getting. But a woman cannot give what she does not first possess."

"I thought of how my relationship with my children would be . . . how wonderful it would be if I could be a perfect mother, a completely flawless, selfless nurturer whose loving guidance never erred. Not going to happen . . . there is no such thing as a perfect mother."

The Birthday Blog Post

Sometimes I wake up really early. Sometimes it's for no reason (except that maybe I went to bed really early). Sometimes it's because my kids get up and then I can't get back to sleep. Sometimes it's because someone (ah-hem, one guess: it's not me and it's not my kids) is coughing. And sometimes I figure, well, I'm up . . . why? Sometimes I figure, maybe it's to read, pray, or write. Sometimes I can do all three (four if you count my coffee cup on hand). This morning I'm adding listening to a podcast on Family Life Today with a guy I enjoy listening to.

So, read on if you want - this one is a journal, it's all about me this time, memories I want to record to remember a sweet season of little gifts. Maybe it will be encouragement down the road, who knows . . .

I fell asleep last night thinking about my birthday and how I could possibly sum it up. I woke up thinking, "I think I like getting older". I think I used to put some pressure on the day to be what it HAD to be (i.e. the perfect day). Something about having unpredictable children in my care has taught me to set my expectations a little lower than perfect (last year was the prime example: we ended up at the doc for both the kids, Karis struck napping, Judah screamed through Potbelly's dinner). However, one thing remains the same about that special day: it's special and I look for God's hand in making it blessed. Last year I realized that my favorite thing is taking care of my family, and I got to do that on my birthday (now that attitude HAS to be God). I expect Him to shape my attitude, I trust Him with my life and with the day. I've often wondered what life would be like if I lived with this mind set every day?

(Quick disclaimer for the rose-colored post here: I'm purposely excluding the "not perfect", there were plenty moments this week, but this is a time for celebration. Just saying, not all birthday bliss, but still so, so blessed)

This year was truly beautiful (not perfect), and I do feel so loved and cared for. There was the early surprise celebration with a delicious lakeside dinner and gifts on Friday night from B & L last weekend in Alexandria (thank you!) . . . and the surprise Saturday afternoon alone in the condo reading the book Bob brought and sipping decaf . . . and the Sunday water-sliding and remembering that I do indeed like a thrill.

There was the Tuesday meet-up with some besties at Costco for a "we're all sick and miserable so let's be sick and miserable together and get an errand done". There was the Tuesday dinner at Noodles with Lee and Caroline, preceded by a random visit to a "new" library, where we met new friends with kids the same ages who want to have a play date.

There was the Monday morning with my mom and gma, and a quick visit to the Target clinic with my gma ("You have a cold, go home and rest"). That evening, Trev brought home special tea and coffee and chocolate from a place in Linden Hills - his time and thought meant so much, and the early gifts turned out so perfect - Karis and I enjoyed the treats for Tea Tuesday, and I've had a wonderful time sharing the treats with friends who've been here this week. Thanks, Trev (sipping the coffee now).

There was the weekend visit from my parents that came at the most providential time - Trev ended up in bed sick all weekend (which gets lonely for this momma), their company and help and attention was such a gift. Karis got pink eye and an ear infection, their extra love for her was so amazing. The Friday highlight was doing something that I really wanted to do for my birthday: have a Frozen pizza party. My mom, dad, grandma, Karis and me hunkered down and watched the movie in the afternoon . . . then went to Costco and to Nadia's cakes to get cupcakes . . . then finished the movie with Jets on the floor of the TV room. Delightful, delicious, memorable. The icing on the cupcake was putting the kids to bed early and enjoying decaf and cupcakes with "the adults". Saturday we celebrated at our fave neighborhood spot, Milton's. Judah was squirmy, Karis wasn't feeling good and wanted to go home, and I couldn't have been happier (again, that attitude has to be from the Blesser). I'll never forget all these things. Oh, and I got some gals-only outings (kid-less) on Saturday and Sunday, precious times of connection (and treats).

And then, the actual day. I left it pretty open, wondering what might happen . . . very unlike me, I love to plan plan plan. I made sure to have all the housework done the day before, my gift to myself was no laundry/dishes/cooking/cleaning. Karis was up early, so I brought her in bed with me to read the "Birthday Psalm" (139), and started the day soaking in the miracle of being Created with Love and intricacy and delight. We tried to think of all sorts of "B" things, starting with bacon (Karis thought we should have sprinkles on our slices, why not?).

The first surprise was when we went to Trader Joe's before preschool. Karis picked out my flowers ("Mommy, it's your birthday. Someone ELSE has to pick out your flowers!"). At the checkout, she told the cashier what the pink tulips were for, and the gracious grandmotherly figure said "the flowers are on us". And for some reason we got to talking about being a parents, the higher highs and lower lows (it has been a bit of a wild ride with Karis and me lately, so I was maybe a little sensitive). She said something that made me tear up: "You know, moms really have to learn to forgive themselves". She also ended up saying, "God only knows . . . God only knows." Goodness, yes. Thank you for the flowers and the apt words, Trader Joe's lady.

We had enough time then for my free coffee from Caribou, and the kids climbed around and I just loved that moment. Karis had pajama day at preschool, which really made her day, and it was fun to drop her off and see her head into her own little party. I got to rest during preschool while Judah napped. Before picking K up, I ended meeting my bro for coffee, which is always special (thanks for the donut muffins, DP!). Papa Murphy's was right next door, so I picked up my birthday dinner before heading to pick up K. Who proceeded to scream almost the whole way home, but that's another story (we also had some super sweet interactions throughout the day).

The afternoon flew with minor and major meltdowns (not-feeling-well Karis), but we weathered it all well, had some good cuddles. The other great surprise was having some dear friends swing by for afternoon tea, the kids played, we all feasted on berries and shortbread and yummy vanilla and chamomile tea (that is actually the flowers, so fun to show the kids) and their presence filled my cup.

There were the texts and facebook messages and cards that make the day a beautiful reminder of all the amazing people that grace my life.

Trev got home early, whisked the kids away to get cards at the dollar store (blissful quiet), we had a quick Frozen pizza party, opened the gifts my parents left (thank you!), early bed for all . . .

The gifts continued on Thursday with a spontaneous morning visit from dear friends - of which the mom was due with her 3rd child on my birthday and is now trying to fill the time in the "past-due" stage. And next in the form of picking up new eyeglasses - the bonus gift being the optician who listened to me talk about the ride there (not perfect, to say the least) and ended with hugs and treats for Karis that completely turned the day around for both of us.

Yes, I like getting older (for this season anyway). To be honest, some people I care about have been faced with grief and loss lately . . .  life is not always so rose colored and I can only hope I can be responsible with these seasons of "overflow" to somehow give. I hope.

Winter Wonderland (and some breaks from it)

This winter has flown (or, as they say: "the days are long but the weeks are short"), and for the sake of record-keeping, here's a recounting in chronological order:

- New Year's: What a gift to welcome Gpa Kirk & Gma Nancy to celebrate. Highlights included "pizza in", celebrating Uncle Drew's completion of his master's program, and just spending quality time together (also re-celebrating Christmas with D & M, and watching the kids enjoy the boxes, and Karis commanding everyone while she "played ship")

- Late January, Sanibel Island: We were so thankful for an escape to warmth and sunshine. We fell into an easy rhythm with Grandpa Kirk, Grandma Nancy, Uncle Drew, and Aunt Melanie . . . morning walks on the beach, seashell-scouting/picking (all of Karis's "for Everett and Marissa"), lunch, outings, dinner, kids-in-bed, games. I don't take for granted what a gift it is to spend time with family and just so wholly enjoy each other. Memorable moments were watching Karis splash in the water wearing her "surfer girl shirt", watching Tangled as a family, reading Olivia books, chasing Judah up the stairs, me and the kids very successfully all sleeping in one room together, stumbling on yummy coffee and ice cream and burger joints. So refreshing and beautiful.

- A late January weekend visit from Gpa Bob & Gma Lorie: swimming at the hotel, delish dinner at Good Day Cafe, fun chats. Memorable to some of these times is the way Gpa Bob carries Judah around restaurants and Karis chases them

- Karis got to ice skate for the first time, guided by master skaters Uncle Stevie & Aunt Debbie

- Trev got away in February to the men's retreat. Me and the kids filled the days with lots of play dates and treats (donut date within 20 minutes of waking up Saturday morning, lunch with friends, dinner at EPC with D & M) and early bedtimes

- Me and Judah got away to Amery, WI for a children's-leaders-team church retreat. So beautiful, and precious time with dear women. Reflecting, thanking, dining, supplicating

- Valentine's Day:  the wonderful traditional "pizza in" with Gma & Gpa and Drew & Melanie. Followed by a weekend of birthday and job celebrations (OPH, Eat Shop, and Stellas - yummy fun!) and a sleepover for Karis at the hotel (which translates - some fabulous quiet time for mommy)

- March get-away in Alexandria: Gpa Bob & Gma Lorie invited us to join them for a weekend in Alexandria. The place was gorgeous and I felt very spoiled with a birthday celebration, time to rest and get lost in a page-turner Bobby brought to share (the Invisible Thread, excellent). Memorable Judah moments are the way he plays peek-a-boo and teases, and the way he and Karis interact so hilariously (and mostly safely). Memorable Karis hilarious braved the big waterslides and got her face very wet - I even joined them on Sunday morning and was grateful to tap into my "wild side" (ha)

And now, it's already the middle of March. Which means, we're celebrating Gpa Kirk's birthday, and mine too. All month long, of course!

Oh, and we're celebrating Trevor starting a new job this week! To heighten the celebration, we got water in our basement on his first day at the new gig. He handled the mess with so much grace and composure - he's an excellent home owner and I'm always grateful to see his character shine through in those unexpected situations.

I had a revelation about him starting work, a humbling one: I was a ball of nerves his first week of work . . . . and I realized I can relate to Trev's exhaustion, etc. when I give birth. He's the one doing all the work, and I'm the anxious and spent one. Hmmm, put that into perspective for me.

I recently read this verse that made me think of this season of life. Psalm 13:5-6
"But I have trusted in Your mercy
my heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
because He has dealt bountifully with me"

Frozen

Here's another post that has been literally months-in-the-writing . . . ironically, I'm writing as I watch water drip from the window. Our eternal winter seems to be ending! Just in time for the movie Frozen to be "in our TV" (in Karis's words - she doesn't know yet that it is indeed "in our TV" thanks to Amazon Prime).

Yes, Frozen. Frozen deserves its own blog post. Frozen was a huge part of our winter: viewing the movie 3 times (Aunt Cassie, Daddy, Mommy). Frozen dance parties almost every afternoon. Frozen paraphernalia scattered around the house. Talking about Frozen at the dinner table. Pretending to be Elsa on top of the snow mountains in our front yard. Karis enters the world of Frozen with her whole heart, I watch her emulate the characters, replay scenes, sing, dance.

One of my favorite winter memories was during Epiphany, we gave Karis Epiphany gifts, one each day for a few days. On Epiphany Sunday, we came home from church and had a rushed lunch and then gave an Elsa barbie doll to Karis as her final gift. Her exclamations included, "I'm so glad it wasn't a book! This is the best day of my life! Can we have more Epiphany?!". Memorable to the max. Then ten minutes later Trev whisked Karis away to see the movie (we often don't tell Karis about "treats" until they happen, it can be a long day of "when are we going to . . . " when she knows too early).

An apt quote I read lately in Russell Baker's memoir Growing Up, said about when he was young and for Christmas received a toy steam shovel from his grandmother : "Left to her own devices, my mother, I suspect, would not have thought of such a beautiful, ingenious machine but would have given me a book".

Indeed! I mostly give Karis books. This taught me that mommy's can be fun and indulgent too, and Frozen has indeed taught me to "Let it Go" (if you're not familiar, that's a hit song from the movie). Because here's the thing - when Karis latched on to Frozen and wouldn't let go, I was a bit anxious and fearful and hesitant. We "opened the Disney door" and it seemed there was no going back (why this made me anxious, well - I guess that's another post). As the days went by, seeing her imagination thriving, and watching some of the online clips with her, I started to "get it". I started to meet her where she IS. And wow, meeting in the middle on something Karis chose to love made such a difference in our relationship. We bonded over the enjoyment of the music. We decided to try Frozen clips as an "incentive" for trying to "sleep like a big girl" and for a while Trev was back in our bed.

This is a lesson I hope to remember - "Let it Go". Let Karis choose. Meet her where she IS, love and embrace and enjoy (when the object of interest is benevolent, that is).

Taking Karis to the movie is one of my favorite memories ever . . . we woke up one cold Saturday in February and I said, "Guess where we're going this morning?". We whisked away to a morning show and I took in the whole experience: the way Karis brought a purse to match mine, wore her purple-dollar-bin crown. The way several of the children in the audience were saying, "Mom, you're gonna LOVE it" (I was in the company of other moms whose daughters had seen it before and without them). As the scenes unraveled and we immersed ourselves intensely in the story, I saw why Karis has been so captivated - because now I am, too. The story reminded me to "open the doors" in staying open in relationships, to "avoid ice-olation", to "let it go".  It reminded me that inner conflict can be difficult but that there is freedom in embracing that that there is strength in weakness.

Karis and I came back from the movie exhausted - she went and laid on the floor in the toy room (and really kind of shut down and was quite out of sorts). I felt like I couldn't possibly articulate the experience. I guess we kind of came down from the high of the ice castles and back to reality. But really, what a wonderful memory of time together. And really, those Frozen dance parties saved the winter.

And really, I have so much more I could say about Disney and Frozen: the theme of mother/daughter/parent relationships, grieving lost time while moving forward, the villainization of mothers (!). I'm going to leave some of those jumbled thoughts in my head for now.

The barista even wrote "Princess Anna" on the cup

Some outside thoughts on Frozen:

This blog post  - I think both Karis and I have some "extra", and it's good to be on this journey of learning to not be ruled by emotion (yet to feel at the same time).

This article - her way of articulating a day with children made me laugh and almost cry. And the part about not being able to really communicate with Trev in the way I'd like at the end of the day . . . well, she just put words to the momma-feelings that are part of daily life.


Some other Karis-isms: 

- "Oh I wish I could just stay in bed until winter is done"
- (after I said to Karis, "Can you just stay little forever?"): "No mommy! The thing about kids is, they grow up!"
- "Hey mom, let's send a text message to Teavana and tell them the honey stick is good in hot chocolate!"
- After I asked Karis if she'd take me to see Frozen, she said, "But mommy, I can't drive!". Then she grabbed my face and said, "Mommy, I have to tell you. There are some little shows before Frozen comes on!"
- "Mommy, can you please be a good mommy and not throw my toys and art away?" (she sees scraps in the garbage sometimes. oops)
- "Best day ever!" (a line from Tangled, which really has become a fun catch phrase around our house)
- "Mom, I have a great idea! Judah should have an 'Olaf' Birthday when he turns two!"
- "I'm going back to Arandelle" (said while on top of a snow bank and I went out to check on her)
- "The internet is a bunch of computers connected to a network"
- "Mommy, I'll pray a quick blessing over you: Father, I pray that you would give mommy peace, and joy and confidence"
- "Da-da, what are the games behind my eyes?" (we think she means dreams)
- "So, do you have any husbands?" (said to a babysitter before she left for the evening)
- "Dear Lord, I pray that daddy would put up ALL his crafts at work. And I pray that we'd live in this house forever"
- "We'll have to just see how the day goes" (think she's heard that before?)
- "Well mommy, sometimes I can't do things right away" (think she's heard that before also?)
- "Oh wow, my room is a MESS!" (um, I try not to say that!)
- "I don't like your pajamas. I don't want to spend time with you" (I've for sure never said that)
- "I have two daddies: Trevor, and my daddy in heaven" (wow, I was blown away. I later learned this was an in-depth topic at Sunday school one day, when a precious little girl was talking about how she doesn't have a daddy. Heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time . . . )

Other tidbits from here and there:

This song: Come Down, O Love Divine

In reading:

From At Large and At Small by Anne Fadiman: "One reason we have children, I think, is to experience through them the miracle of (creation): to learn that parts of ourselves we had given up for dear are merely dormant, and that the old joys can re-emerge, fresh and new and in a completely different form."

From A Step From Death by Larry Woiwode (don't even get me started on how much I loved loved loved this book):
"Up to the age of four, the loveliest age in children, when they're still wholly themselves, before the world of learning and its version of what is 'real' has had a chance to impinge--to that age you were mostly mine."

From What I Think I Did by Larry Woiwode (the paragraph that closes the book)
"It has all been gravy . . . and better, grace and gracious people put in my way, and yet more grace. I wring my hands as if washing them, wishing they were wings to lift me off in this wind streaming through me in a force I've never felt until now, or so I think, and then I think, I'm launched."

From Still Points North by Leigh Newman:
"Because talking is not always what is being said. Sometimes, there's a story underneath the words of husbands and wives - and fathers and mothers and grandmothers . . . - and, in my small, inglorious experience, regardless of how it ends, regardless of every indication that seems so emphatically to contradict it, that story is almost always a love story."

Judah is ONE (and then some)

Well, this is over 2 months late, it's been in progress since January. It feels like January here because we have snow mountains everywhere we look . . . no complaints, just saying. AND, I LOST about 1/2 of what I wrote . . . which is . . . so frustrating. Anyway, marching on. You'll have to live (rather, I will have to live) without the paragraphs of Judah updates I'd been thoughtfully compiling. Grrrrr. Not to mention, his birth story, which to me was artfully composed and I'm just not sure I can get it back. I will try. And I guess I will learn to hit "publish" faster next time!

Read on for some Judah updates, his birth story, and some classic Trevor stories . . .

My baby is ONE. Actually, my baby is over 14 months old. WHAT?! He is coming into his own, changing in so many amazing ways, lighting up the room and giving my legs and arms a complete workout every day (as his sister gives my brain and heart a complete work-over every hour, but that's its own post). This is a sweet season of life, and I do try to grasp those moments in memory of every stage and new "thing".

I can say with confidence (and a shadow of guilt) that this baby/child thing is way easier and more enjoyable the second time. You want to be held all day? Sure, I'd love to! Some nights are rough? No prob, tomorrow is a new day. You used to love bread and now you hate it? No problem, let's find something different.

We had a blast celebrating Judah's 1 year birthday right after Christmas with a "Lion of Judah" party. He sampled the cake but mostly just loved crawling around and trying to figure out what I kept putting on his head (see below).

We are beyond blessed by his precious life, sweet spirit, marshmallow mellowness. Judah, your name means "praise" and we praise God for every day that we get to spend knowing you, loving you, shepherding you, enjoying you, holding you, feeding you, walking you, watching you, savoring you.

Judah updates . . . 

- He loves for Karis to "walk" him around the house
- He "walks" around furniture like crazy, and sometimes walks around on his knees
- He melts into my arms and turns my heart to moosh
- He loves to be carried around, while sucking his thumb and watching the world go by (but if you try to sit, he squirms out of your arms)
- He loves to eat things from a fork or spoon
- He seems to love the color red
- He sleeps like a champ
- He lights up around Karis, and seems to say some version of her name
- He adores dogs, and says "wuh-wuh" and jolts his entire body
- He says "mama" and I melt
- He says "dada" adoringly and I melt
- He says "upf" as he pulls on my pant legs and I melt
- He loves our afternoon "Frozen dance parties"
- He can climb like crazy, onto chairs and other furniture
- He can zoom up the stairs like nobody's business
- He loves his thumb and pootsie blanket
- He prefers certain books, and flips them to the back every time
- He loves to put things on his head (food, washcloths, toys) and he cracks himself up when he does this
- He waves by just lifting one arm in the air
- He sometimes waves with his wrist
- He makes eyes at (and plays peek-a-boo) with anyone who will look at him when he's riding in a shopping cart
- He has "clever handwork" (according to Trevor), touching faces and eyes
- He adores his daddy'
- He loves to pound on the piano
- He loves to put things into things (balls into buckets, things like that)
- He goes and gets his stuffed puppy when you say "woof woof"
- He often cries when I leave
- He rides well in the car
- He likes to crawl around with anything in his hand, pushing the object ahead of him
- He goes by the nicknames "squishy", "Judah-rooda", and "Little"

And now, Judah's birth story . . . 

The eve of his birth found us scurrying around the cities looking at homes with my brother. A storm was a brewing outside, it was cold and dreary, which I think is how I felt too.  I'm sure we went home to scrounge leftovers from Christmas dinner. I'm sure I was crabby and tired. I'm sure I went to bed early. I remember being anxious about the "when's and what if's" of Judah's birth arrival. I remember my cousin was supposed to stay with us on her way through town (ironically, she was in town when K was born) but she passed through to beat the storm.

I remember waking up at 4:30am with an oddly familiar feeling of my water breaking. No, that can't be it, go back to sleep. Oh, there it is again, yes my water broke. Lay in bed and google search: "it can take several hours for strong contractions to start".

4:40am,  contractions are strong and 7 minutes apart. Call brother.

Call midwife. Wait for midwife to call back. Have more strong contractions.

Call midwife again. Call brother again. Midwife calls back, it's my favorite midwife. YAY, she might deliver my baby. Midwife: "I am so, so, so sorry to tell you this" (I'm thinking she's going off her shift) "but we're full. Our sister hospital is full. We have to divert you to Fairview at U of M. But don't worry, I know the midwives there, you'll be in great hands! I told them you go fast, they'll be ready."

Excuse me?! We now have to drive across town, in a snowstorm, in heavy labor to a place we've never been. Okay, here we go.

5:00am, shower, wait for brother (bless you, brother!)

5:30, write Karis a note. Bawl my eyes out: "I'm not going to get to see my baby girl before I meet my new baby! Life is going to change . . .

5:45, hit the road Jack. Drive in snow, contract often, shoot off texts to friends and family. Get excited.

6:15, Trevor pulls up to the hospital and ditches his car to escort me to the maternity ward. Limp through the mostly quiet halls in (wet) capri sweatpants and winter coat. Refuse offers for wheelchair. Receive sympathetic looks from people on the elevator.

Trevor: "Can I go move my car?"
Me: "I think so, but hurry!"

6:30, they're ready for me and I get to the room right away, meet the lovely midwife Ann and nurses (2 of them, both named Mary). I get down to business on my hands and knees on the floor.

6:40, Trevor returns.
6:42, Trevor leaves to get coffee (see below stories for more info on this)
6:55, Trevor returns with coffee and helps me answer all the registrar's bazillion questions (they needed every single piece of info from me for their records, good grief)

Labor, labor, labor. Talk to nurses. Go to the bathroom. Watch Trevor drink his coffee. Labor, labor, labor.

8:40, feel sick, start sweating, say "I think I'm in transition!". Midwife confirms: "Get her on the bed!". Enter MORE nurses, another midwife for a shift change . . . none of whom I can see because I'm still on my hands and knees with my head in a stack of pillows.

Experience pain like I've never felt (ring of fire "rings true").  Push a couple times, think, "I cannot push any more".

Trevor tells me I then said, "THIS IS IT!", and it was - JUDAH, THERE YOU ARE!

Yes, it was fast. Yes, it was a bit furious. Yes, it was one of the best moments of my life. Yes, I am crying as I write this.

Judah came to my chest and the world disappeared. My mellow man melted into me and my life will never be the same because he is in it. We nursed, he got his vitals and first bath (no crying - mellow man). Trevor continued to sip his coffee.

The nurses and midwives were stunning, they basically left me alone and I felt like I might as well been in a cabin in the woods (well, until I needed stitches). I'm so grateful, so, so, so, so grateful.

The rest of the day was a blessed blur (see below for some Trev stories). Brother brought Karis, be still my soul to watch her hold her brother! She still loves to talk about that day: "I woke up and when I said 'mommy, mommy' DREW came in! I got a lot of bacon, we watched Goofy, and painted!". Not to mention, he took her to MOA, slept at our house, took her to Chipotle. Oh brother, thank you. And oh Melanie, we missed you but were so glad to come home and see you the next day, the way you mooshed Judah and loved on him . . . thank you.

And Trevor, you are my rock and my knight, and all around the best friend and husband and father and I can't imagine these memories without you there in each one.

We savored those first family visits: Uncle Drew with Karis, Aunt Debbie, Uncle Taylor.

We savored the delights of unlimited hospital cafeteria goodies.

We slept (by "we", I mean Trevor).

We got poked and prodded (by "we", I mean me and Judah).

We got told by a night-nurse (by "we", I mean me): "You're nursing him too much, he'll think you're his pacifier and you'll get exhausted". Maybe true, but I sure didn't care.

We wanted to get home as soon as possible (Karis, we missed you so much!), and the next day was full of all those lovely tests and requirements, and strange looks of "WHY do you want to go home so fast?!".

All the good memories rise to the top, the ones of night sweats, sitz baths, and other things too private to write . . . well, those memories do fade. I guess that's why people keep having children, right?!

We got home with 30-hour-old Judah just after K went down for her nap, we slept (by "we", I mean Trevor and Judah), Melanie mooshed on Judah. We got Pizza Luce and were elated to welcome Jordan and Cassie for a birthday party. Cassie mooshed on Judah and I'm sure Trevor made everyone else hold him.

We celebrated New Year's at home (of course), we relished the visits and spoilings from parents and friends (oh that blissed state of the "newborn excuse" for letting everything go - cooking, cleaning, leaving the house).

And oh yeah, then we decided to go ahead and try to get a new house. Thanking God today for all these massive blessings, and praying to be aware of generous with the responsibility of it all.

So, after "re-writing" after all that, I'm now watching Trevor and Karis tromp around in the snow in our backyard, listening to stellar Pandora station, thankful for the chance to re-live everything again during this quiet hour. It all works out.

Some humor . . . 

A friend recently sent me a link to "things husbands pull while their wives are in labor", and wouldn't you know, Trevor "pulled" 3 of them (one of them at both births). Read on . . . 

There was when Karis was born . . .  I'm having contractions on top of each other, and think I have to use the bathroom, but really what was happening was that I needed to start pushing. There was no midwife in the room, I stumble in complete pain to the bathroom, and Trevor decides he needs to go get a cup of coffee! At which point I screamed, "I can't not push!" and within 15 minutes we met Karis. There was also that part where he got a migraine the first day we were home with her (bummer dude, birth is legitimately hard on the hubs!).

In labor with Judah, Trevor (remembering the coffee he DIDN'T get before K was born) left to get coffee pretty much right after we got to the room. This was when we were at a new hospital (our hospital was full and so we were diverted to somewhere we'd never been) and I was on the floor working through contractions AND trying to answer the millions of questions from the registrar. So, he sipped his coffee while helping me answer the questions. 

But the BEST was that after Judah was born, we moved to our overnight room . . . I'm in a wheelchair, holding Judah . . . we get to the room and Trevor finds the roll-away cot, collapses, and says, "I'm EXHAUSTED!". Yes, I had just given birth and was, let's say, not feeling very comfortable in that wheelchair. 

THEN, after a very full night of sleep that night (I know because I was UP and watched him sleep!), he woke up the next morning: "My back is KILLING me". 

Oh Trevor, I'm laughing as I write this. I'm glad for the stories, I love who you are. 

I love being on this family journey with you, Trevor - and with our children. 

First comes Marriage, then comes . . . ???

This month has been busy and blessed, I can hardly keep track of the stories and events. This post will be dedicated to the theme of weddings - in chronological order. And the updates and Karis-isms at the end are already dated, I started writing this over 2 weeks ago . . .

Karis's Wedding:

Karis had a play date with her "besties" one Tuesday afternoon, during which she and Everett somehow decided to get married. As it happened, Everett and Marissa were due to come over for dinner the following day, so Karis decided that would be a great day for the wedding. I had no idea what we were in for when she laid out the wedding clothes the night before (flower girl dress for her, white polo shirt for Everett). The next morning began a full day of wedding planning, which involved:

- Washing hair with mommy's shampoo
- painting fingernails during Judah's morning nap
- Bringing the clothes downstairs
- Decorating the family room
- Setting out the Bible and arranging a sitting stool for "Pastor Trevor"
- Planning the wedding feast (buttered noodles, donut holes for dessert)
- Choosing a dance song ("Little Drummer Boy")
- Making the toy room the "golf course" (reception location)
- Choosing me to be the bridesmaid and photographer, Marissa to be the flower girl
- Making a bouquet
- Setting the table

For real, this was an all day, all-consuming world of imagination. Sadly, I didn't properly prepare Karis that Everett might not be as excited as she was . . . and so when he arrived, she asked over and over if he was ready to get married and he was more into the stuff in the toy room. I did corral the kids to the "fireplace altar" for a quick ceremony that involved singing the doxology and then shuffling everyone to the wedding feast.

To be honest, I could tell Karis was sad. She was quiet that night and didn't talk anymore about the wedding. Sigh, how I wish I could protect her always.

She does often say now, "Marissa says I'm her best friend, and Everett says he loves me". It's such a joy to have friends with whom there is mutual admiration, between moms and dads and kids. We are blessed.

A few weeks later, out of the blue, Karis informed that "Mom, singing one song is NOT a ceremony". There is no fooling this girl.

Brother's Engagement: 

Not even 3 days later, we were thrilled to celebrate Uncle Tay & Aunt Kate's engagement! What a gift to have a growing family in such beautiful ways. Trevor and I snuck out after the kids were in bed to attend the surprise engagement party at Pracna on Main. Besides me forgetting my ID, the night was magical, young love is so invigorating and it was a gift to watch their two worlds get together and share the joy. Kate, we're so excited for you to be a Pope.

Which leads to . . .

Flower Girl (to be or not to be, that is the question): 

We were blessed to have most of this area's family join us to watch Karis's preschool Christmas program. Adorable, of course. But relevant here is this: after the show, Karis found us all and was clearly a bit overwhelmed. Kate and Tay pulled Karis aside, knelt down, presented her with flowers and asked her to be their flower girl. Karis - repeatedly - answered "no". Oh goodness. What?! She loves being a flower girl, and even coyly asked Kate the weekend before if she has one (you know, "not that I want to be it or anything - just wondering"). !!!!! Komplicated Karis, as my mom says.

And one more event to record, before the Christmas and Birthday Boy post to follow . . .

Girls'/Guys' Weekend:

Trev and Drew headed to ND for a mid-December duck hunt (read: guy time). So "Aunt" Sarah (really a cousin, but we call her and her sisters aunts) and Aunt Cassie came to spend the weekend here. Bliss! We enjoyed a girls gathering pizza party here, and on Saturday the beloved women in Karis's life loved on her while I stayed home and took care of a barfing baby boy (sad! short lived, thankfully). Aunts Melanie and Sarah took her shopping and to Chipotle, and then delivered her to the "theodore" (Karis speak for "theater")  to view Frozen with Aunt Cassie. This was a life changing event, and I have listened to hours of Frozen talk since. We then all met up at IKEA for dinner, a memorable and marvelous weekend.

Lastly, some outdated updates!

Karis-isms:
- "So, when you come to someone's house do you sometimes bring presents? I don't want one, I was just wondering" (said to Aunt Cassie upon her arrival to our house)
- "So, do you sometimes serve snacks when people come to your house?" (said at a friend's home, asked of the mom hosting us)
- "So, do you have a flower girl?" (said to Aunt Kate, a few days before she rejected the idea. Komplicated)
- "Mom, singing one song is NOT a ceremony" (I cannot trick this girl with anything)
- "Mom, let me tell you another story of the prodigal son"
- "I was thinking me and Judah could be best friends"
- "Summer is my favorite season. When will it be summer?"
- "I wish I could be a mommy. I wish I could do whatever I wanted to do" (yes Karis, it's the best being a mommy, I'm glad you can see that)
- "Mommy, do you know what my favorite amimal (sic) is? Elves. I love elves"
- "Should we all just drip off to sleep?"
- "So, what are my options?"

Judah updates:
- He loves to crawl around with something, anything in his hand: favorites are a play microphone, a remote, one of Karis's fuzzy pink boots
- He adores his "pootsie blankets", small blankets with polka dots on one side, burp cloth material on the other, and ties on the ends. He immediately puts his thumb in his mouth when holding the blanket, and this small thing is necessary for his sleep
- He kicks like a frog when he's excited. Many things make him excited, including looking at Trevor (or anyone) at the dinner table, seeing anyone come in the door, seeing an animal or another baby
- He wants to be where the action is, and if he sees kids playing he scoots as fast as he can over to them
- He still scoots on his belly, crossing his legs and practically getting into the air as he army crawls around. He has shown us the ability to crawl on all fours and is using that method more and more (especially when any kind of animal is in sight)
- He still goes by the nickname of "squishy"
- He loves to go for the stairs and can get up at least two until I find him and bring him to safety. He will go from anywhere I put him and scoot to the stairs as quick as he can
- He loves to flip to the back of board books (little interest for what's inside)
- He loves to crawl around with something in his hand. The object obsession changes, lately it was a hairbrush (anyone know the song "Oh Where is My Hairbrush?")
- He had his first barf, which is actually quite a relief. It was short lived and he was happy as can be right after spilling his stomach's contents all over my clothes and then taking a long nap (for the record, this all happened before 7am, when we had guests here . . . and Karis laughed when I got vomited on)
- He can climb a full set of stairs (supervised, of course). He LIVES for doing this, and bee lines for stairs anywhere he is. He also melts down when we put up the gate.
- He kind of barks at dogs. When he sees one, he does this "woo - woo" sound and his body jerks in correlation with the "woo"