Sacred Influence

So I'm reading this book called Sacred Influence. Remember how I've learned to never say never or always? Well, before becoming a mom I always said I would always be a wife first and foremost (and I do believe that loving Trevor well is one of the most loving things I can do for my daughter and will make me a better mother). Then I became a mother. My body no longer feels like it's my own (because I'm a nursing mother). My sleep is irregular, I'm hormonal, and oh yeah - I'm completely smitten with Karis. I would do anything for that girl, seeing her makes my face light up and I talk to her with a song in my voice. Let's juxtapose this to when I see Trevor, let's say after work: my voice does not have a song, I maybe smile but definitely do not light up, and as far as doing anything for Trevor . . . well, I put food on the table and right when he's done very often ask him to do things for me.

Back to Sacred Influence - while the pages are lending good reminders and encouragement about the important role that wives play in their husband's lives, the author is largely addressing women whose husbands are angry or lazy or unfaithful. Here's the thing: the book doesn't address how to cope with the nearly perfect husband! (ha ha). I say that kind of for real, but mostly kidding and with a HUGE amount of gratitude to God for gifting me with Trevor's love and his heart. Trevor is still smitten with me (and he is with our daughter too, of course!), he lights up when he sees me and he talks to me with complete kindness. I've never once doubted his love and I am humbled by his example of faith in action through his character and convictions and attitudes. Having an almost perfect husband does pose its own frustrations, BUT what a blessing compared to the alternative. I love you, Trev.

Needless to say, having Karis has changed our marriage, as I expected it would. Being parents has deepened our bond for sure as we're committed together to seek her best interest and to love her in the best ways we know how. But to be honest, it's been a struggle for me to prioritize Trevor and our marriage. And I've come to see that struggles are okay, and having to be intentional and having to try is okay too, even good. There's so much more to say that I'm going to stop right here for now! I'm thankful. I'm trying. Life is good.

Just for fun, here's a recent real-life story of my awesome wife-ness:

I get a text from Trevor telling me he has been invited to go to Alaska in late July or early August. I sent him 3 texts in reply, as follows . . .

1. Um, money?

2. That would be Karis's birthday.

3. What do I get to do?

Trevor sent this in reply:

I laughed out loud really hard. The pastor who did our premarital counseling said that our biggest conflict would be that I am off the charts subjective and Trevor is off the charts objective. When he told us that almost 6 years ago we left the session and I over-reacted and cried (proving his point that I am subjective). He was sooooo right.

In recent our-family news, we've had a memorable second half of January. We went to South Carolina with my parents and brother for a few days of fun in the sun (except for the dreary days, but those were cozy and warmer than here so it didn't really matter). We realized that "packing light" has a new meaning to us: 1 huge suitcase, two big backpacks, carseat and stroller. We felt like minimalists shlepping all those things around. Anyways, we had a tremendous trip with hanging out, enjoying the sea breeze, eating, touring a vineyard (and doing some wine tasting), walking through a huge sculpture and "low country" garden, and being entertained by Karis. Karis went to the ocean for the first time, although I can't say she saw it since she was snoozing the whole time. And oh yeah, Krispy Kreme. SC has Krispy Kreme! I know, it doesn't take much to please, right? Speaking of shlepping things around, I'll always remember one of our Krispy Kreme stops (there were only two, in case you're wondering) when we took up two tables and a booth with our donuts, coffee cups, changing "stuff" for Karis, her diaper bag, ourselves . . . stuff, stuff, stuff. It's unavoidable and really funny. Ah, Krispy Kreme, I think Karis loved it (maybe it has to do with the "K" connection?). Karis was quite the terrific traveler and we're thankful for all the memories we were able to make there (in South Carolina, not just at Krispy Kreme!).

This picture cracks me up, Karis watching us all drink wine. At what point do we need to not do such things in her presence?

We got home and were glad to welcome Trev's parents for a few days - Karis just loved seeing all her grandparents in such a short amount of time. Our little girl seems to be quite the extravert, smiling at anyone who looks her way and charming family and strangers alike. She soaks in all the sights and sounds, she's more alert and interactive all the time. She's rolling over more consistently, making new noises, playing with her feet, loves to suck on her toys (and anything else she can manage to get to her mouth).

AND, Karis is 6 MONTHS OLD. I can't believe it. People always say how fast it goes, but MAN it goes fast. I'm mindful lately of her wonderful health, her growth, her emerging personality. We are blessed, and she is a blessing to so many with her joy and smiles and coos and cuddles. Oh baby girl, you're not going to be a baby for much longer . . .

Baby crazy!

True confession: I was never really a baby person. I mean, I loved getting to see people's babies and was always excited for families to welcome their babies to the world. But to be honest, when I'd find myself in the room with a baby, I was never the one to rush over and beg to hold him/her. In fact, I probably often had the thought, "I hope they don't ask me to hold their baby." Mainly because they seemed so fragile and, well, scary. I mean, what if I held them wrongly? What if they started crying in my arms?

Since Karis's arrival, all that has changed. I am crazy for babies! And it just so happens there is baby crazy-ness all around these parts. I've visited 3 new babies in just the last ten days, and with each one I am so excited to hold them and rock them and cuddle them. I can see why people keep wanting to have more, there's something just so precious about newborns in their helplessness and their cries and their sleeping and their movements and stretches and smells. I thank God for the health of all these recent babies in our friends' lives, and it's been the greatest joy to watch many of our close friends enter the realm of parenthood. So yes, welcome to the world all you little babies. And dear Karis, thank you again for changing my life in so many ways - you continue to amaze me!

This new year has been off to a fun start, as I wrote last time, beginning with a weekend spent with all Karis's godfathers. I relish watching them talk to her, ask to hold her, laugh with her, and play with her. She loves their attention!

Last week we had a blast seeing some old friends (who I stayed with in Germany almost 3 years ago!). Thank you, S & Z for stopping by, playing with our girl and giving us lots of laughs. Please move back here!

Trevor started a new addition to our nighttime routine with Karis, singing and playing guitar to her (adorable!). Speaking of Karis . . . she is becoming the most smiley and joyful baby I know. It's like she just can't beam bright enough, sometimes it looks like her face must hurt from straining to express her feelings. And then my face starts to hurt from smiling back at her. Our days are so fun as she discovers the world more every day, taking it all in with her big eyes and moving limbs. Lately when I hold her on my lap, she'll crane her neck back to look me in the eyes - this little lady loves to be looked at. She's also doing what appear to be push ups when she's laying on her tummy. Strong girl! We're also certain that she's working on some teeth - she chews on anything she can grab (including our fingers, and it hurts!). I always try to imagine what things are like for Karis in her day, the funny feelings she's experiencing in her gums, what she might be thinking when she wakes up from a nap, what it must mean to her to be looked and talked to and held. I am a blessed momma to receive her smiles and cuddles and coos. And Trevor is such a good dad, and the truly an amazing husband (hopefully also another post later).

In random personal-journal-type recordings, I just finished reading Jane Eyre for what must be about the 7th time . . . the story and Jane's character was better than ever. There's nothing like the feeling of digging into an old familiar book. As corny as it sounds, when I read Jane Eyre, I feel like I'm sitting in a living room with an old friend.

I'm also enjoying a simple but refreshing book called What Kids Need Most in a Mom. I appreciate reminders and insights into the many facets of motherhood, from creativity to identity to mom-guilt to the healthy-ness of having outside interests from the home. Being home lends itself to the temptation to making my world very small (and often selfish). Some other reading is helping me remember the world at large: Exodus, a historical fiction about the struggle for a Jewish homeland in Israel. I'm horrified to read about the events of World War 2 and the century old persecution of Jewish people. Yes, my life is simple and it is very good and I try to not take that for granted.

Karis's life seems pretty simple too - here's a picture of her in an outfit I wore as a baby. I think she likes it!

I hope to write more about this in a separate post, but baby matters on my mind lately are: schedules and food. I'm developing some opinions about each of them, and it's been good to discern what works for our family (haven't started food but will probably start soon, and don't seem to be on much of a schedule and am trying to rest in that).

Speaking of small world/big world, I've been watching the news reports today about the earthquake in Haiti, and I'm reminded of the fragility of life and the precious gift that each day is. May all those affected by this great tragedy find some kind of rest and peace in the midst of chaos and devastation.

Making lists checking them twice

Some recent baby's firsts:

• Meeting my BF from college, Rachel. We had such a wonderful time hanging out here for a couple days before heading to NoDak for Christmas. It's becoming a wonderful tradition to pick Rachel up from the airport and eventually end up dropping her off at her home that's on the way to our's. I'm ever thankful for her dear friendship.

• Christmas. Trevor and I had a blessed time celebrating Christmas with our precious Baby K and lots of family. The week flew by with special meals, a beautiful Christmas Eve service, lots of visiting and running around. And sleepless nights, to be honest - poor girl seemed to know that in her crib she was not, and many nights I was up out of bed close to a dozen times to comfort her back to sleep. Ah, Karis - when I wake up in the morning the nights don't seem so bad. But in the middle of the night I feel I may be going a little crazy. And then I comfort myself with a piece of chocolate, which seems to help. When that doesn't help, I admit that I sometimes elbow Trevor - which of course doesn't help anything except that I feel I have companionship in the sleeplessness (especially doesn't help anything because Trevor falls right back asleep. Bless his heart, of course!).

• Rolling over. What a fun sight to see! We all crammed around Karis and watched her ever so gracefully turn from her belly to her back, and are continuing to love watching her discover her rolling potential.

• Exersaucer experience. In this contraption, I feel we got to see Karis's full and unbridled energy potential. I think I'm up for it, and it's fun to watch her kick her legs and bat at (and try to suck on) the contraptions within her reach.

• Bumbo sitting time. All these contraptions and places to put Karis are wonderful. They are also completely taking over our house. Not that we seem to mind . . .

A recent first for Andrea:

• I rear-ended someone this week. Thankfully it was just a fender bender and no one was hurt, but . . . one of my new year's resolutions is to not talk on my cell phone while driving. I wish I could say this is an easy thing to do, but it's definitely going to take some discipline. This accident was a good reminder to slow down, focus, pay attention to what's before me - driving, yes, but in a litany of other areas as well.

Some New Year's celebrations and resolutions (which I really feel a need for this year!):

• First, some New Year's Eve memories: We enjoyed watching "Lord of the Beans" Veggie Tales movie (gift to Trev from his college roommie!). Karis apparently wanted to ring in the new year as well, she had a pretty tough time going to bed! New Year's day Trevor and I headed to a mall for a walk and then to get some Caribou. I think we intended to talk about goals and such, and we did get as far as resolving to read (together) the 1 year Bible. I'm already a day behind (I think he is, too). Anyone care to hold us accountable to this resolution? We also loved having all of Karis's godfathers (i.e. our brothers) in town for the New Year's weekend. We're so blessed by their love for Karis, I appreciate how they ask to hold her, the way they talk to her and always include and acknowledge her. What a loved little lady!

• I was trying to explain to Trevor (during our New Year's Caribou date) that I really feel I need to "try harder" this year. I started listing things, like try harder to have quiet devotional time every day. Try harder to be the wife I know Trevor deserves. And then at one point, I said I need to try harder to relax. Hmmmm, a little ironic, huh? I laughed a bit at said irony, but it's left me thinking. Can the two exist together, or do I need rather to resolve to receive the grace that is mine for the asking - grace to make mistakes (of which I make many), to be an imperfect wife and mother. So maybe I need to also try harder to receive grace, and maybe that grace will cover all. Well, I know it will cover all, it's the receiving it that can be hard. May 2010 be a year of grace. And trying harder. Probably both at the same time . . .

One year ago

Exactly one year ago we were packing up and getting ready to head home for Christmas. Exactly one year ago there was a snow storm hitting our area. Exactly one year ago we were rescuing stranded friends from the airport.

Exactly one year ago I took this little test that you can't really pass or fail unless you're hoping for a certain outcome. The outcome is measured only in positive and negative. I was indeed hoping, so I did indeed pass the test. Exactly one year ago (at 5:30 am!) Trevor and I found out that Karis was growing inside of me. Thank you, Lord, for the best Christmas present we've ever received.

I'll always remember yelling, "Trevor!" . . . who rushed out of bed to join me in the bathroom (where he assumed I was sick because he already had a hunch I was pregnant). We stared at the plus sign on the stick on the floor and then rejoiced.

Exactly one year ago we were thanking God, and we're thanking Him still for Karis's precious life.

New things

Such an original title for this blog post, right? I, as usual, am trying to not let the hustle and bustle of this time of year distract me from the really important, lasting things (like writing, spending quality time with people, focusing on the REAL reason for the season). As usual, I'm struggling, but finding some good victory along the way in letting things go (as in, no Christmas card, no birth announcement - shame on me! - little cleaning, using lots of gift bags so I don't have to wrap presents, ha!). I am struck of course that a year ago I was intentionally not writing a Christmas card because I felt that nothing significant had really changed/happened over the past year. Little did I know . . .

This Advent season has been precious as I look at Karis and realize that Jesus was a baby. He was every bit as dependent and helpless and beautiful and growing and, well, everything baby, as Karis is. And to think of Mary! How wise of her to "treasure up all these things and ponder them in her heart." (Luke 2:19) Having a baby really can change one's perspective on so many things.

Some new tricks from Karis:

• She is grabbing things and bringing them to her mouth - I'm thinking maybe she's ready for a "blankie"!

• She is BUSY. Always moving, sucking on her fingers and fists, kicking, looking around.

• This weekend Trevor belched quite loudly, which caused Karis's face to scrunch up which then turned into a full-on wail. It happened twice, and as not fun as it is to hear her cry we couldn't stop laughing. I think we have a very well mannered and polite girl on our hands.

• Karis continues to be my funny honey. She just cracks me up! The way she sticks her tongue out when she smiles, the coos and little giggles she offers (she even smiles in the middle of crying sometimes). She loves to be looked at, talked to, and to look at and talk to people.

• Karis is wearing cloth diapers. Yup, we actually had four months worth of diapers given to us that recently ran out, so it seemed like a logical time to start. So far, so good - I'm even a little self-competitive about it, seeing just how exclusively I can use the cloth. i.e. I'm trying very hard to use them at all times except for when Karis is with a sitter or during nighttime.

In other random news, Trevor and I had our fourth and so far most successful date this past Sunday. We reminisced about the previous five Christmases we've shared during our marriage, we're blessed with many memories and we look forward to "baby's first Christmas" in less than two weeks.

There's so much more, but my bed beckons me. It says, "Andrea, your baby is asleep so you should be too . . . " Okay, okay, I'm going!

Prepare to be surprised

That's what Dan says. You know, Dan in Real Life. Ah, Dan, he is always right!

Actually, my husband is always right, but more about that later.

This past week was a blur, we (by we, I mean Karis and me) fell into a nice groove with some lunch dates and even got out to a book club discussion. Oh my was it wonderful to talk about a book in good company on a cozy evening!

I spent parts of Thursday and Friday preparing for what I thought was a youth group girls' sleepover/going away party for one of our dear girls that I thought I was planning. Oh yes, I shot off e-mails to coordinate food and to make sure I knew who all was coming. I ran to Sam's Club for breakfast goodies and snacks for the guys' game night that was happening at our house concurrently. I spent the week feeling the invigoration that comes from doing things that you love, and also anticipating the events (read: I couldn't wait to PARTY. I love a good party, especially a good girl party!). Friday afternoon came and I packed up the car to go to the sleepover destination (a youth grouper's amazing house!) while Trevor changed Karis . . . and off Karis and I went to get there early to help set up for the taco bar that the girls and some of the moms would enjoy to kick off the night of fun and honoring Megan (said farewell party gal). I got there and the gorgeous hostesses had already set everything up, streamers and bowls of pink m & m's, fun dishes to assemble the food. I thought, "How sweet of them to go all out for Megan!"

I went to use the restroom right before dinner, and when I came out they were all standing around the table just staring at me. I assumed they were just waiting for me to pray, so I apologized and said, "Okay, let's pray so we can eat!" And they came back with, "Surprise! We turned it into a baby shower!" To which I just laughed as in, "ha ha, that's funny." And they said, "No, we're serious!" And sure enough, in the 2 minutes that I was in the bathroom they had placed a diaper cake on the center of the table, whipped out a corsage made out of baby socks (so cute!) and placed gifts by my chair. WHAT?!? I have never been so surprised in my life, I still can't believe it happened! It's humbling and beautiful to receive such love, these girls and moms had been planning the event for some time (you know, the event I thought I was planning), and had pulled Trevor into it too. They played my favorite music (Dan in Real Life Soundtrack, of course), we had dinner and cake and ice cream and then Megan and I took turns opening gifts. The sweetest thing was when the girls all went downstairs "to work on some things" after dinner while the moms dished out cake . . . they were down there writing out the most precious cards. The party continued with some hilarious games, including "baby catch phrase" and "baby pictionary". A riot to be sure, the laughter was raucous and some of the drawings for pictionary were too. Those girls all give me great hope for raising a daughter in this world. More on that later. Anyways, what a memorable evening and I can hardly wait to one day show Karis the pictures and tell her the stories of how people lavished love on her as a baby.

This weekend we also took part in a tradition I've been doing since college days: Operation Christmas Child. The only difference about this year is the number of boxes I was able to pack: in 90 minutes I packed about 1 1/2 boxes. The rest of the time was spent holding Karis and feeding Karis. If I'm being very honest, many of those minutes were also spent talking to people - including a gal I recognized from my previous employer, she had done contract work and I think I only met her once there. Crazy!

One last weekend story begs to be told. I mean, you all need to know why Trevor is alwaysright. We had another date on Sunday afternoon. I was less traumatized about leaving Karis this time, but apparently still slightly traumatized because I spent most of the date very crabby (or maybe I was crabby because we started the date talking about our finances and then another part talking about Christmas shopping, and then most of the parts were spent in malls which are rarely the happiest of places for me). Sounds like a long date with so many parts, doesn't it? So anyways, per tradition of our dates we went to a fancy mall to spend some gift certificates we had. We proceeded to get some coffee from the Good Earth Cafe that tasted like hot water (read: increase crabby-ness, I am admittedly a coffee snob and feel some kind of right to have really good coffee whenever I pay money for it). Then we went to JC Penny's (because of a great coupon that had to be used by that day - which is another topic altogether, the need to spend to save). So I thought we could find some gifts for our dads . . . and Trevor said, "Oh, we should get them _______". I wish I could write what the item is because it would make so much more sense when I tell you that my response was, "That's a horrible idea. They're like $40 and they don't even sell them here!" Crabby, crabby, crabby. I huffily decided I really needed a redemptive cup of coffee from Caribou so we rounded a corner to go down the escalator, and what would be RIGHT THERE but the item Trevor suggested. Not only did they have it, it was on a crazy good sale. Crabby-ness started to abate as I almost laughed and told Trevor I owe him an apology. He said, "Yes, you do. And I think you should get down on your knees." So I did. I got down on my knees in the middle of JC Penney and apologized for telling him he doesn't have good ideas. And I really was sorry. And I really do like our dates. For some reason the best stories are manufactured in JC Penneys. Weird.

The redemptive coffee was delicious, and I was quite satisfied at having spent money to save money on some stellar gifts. We were both very excited to pick up Karis, and both very thankful for those couple hours together. I am especially thankful for Trevor who loves me so genuinely that he doesn't resent my crabby-ness. Thank you, Trevor.

We of course have so much for which to give thanks . . . I pray you all have a beautiful celebration wherever you are. We'll be back in NoDak, thankful to be with our families!

Here's my funny honey . . . hours and hours of entertainment this girl is!

The party gals . . . Megan graciously shared her party with me (please notice the adorable corsage made out of baby socks!)

I love these girls (and their moms too!)

Happy Birthday to . . .

MY MOM!

I hope that I'm now a mom, I have a new appreciation for my own mother. I definitely feel more appreciative - but this is not about me today, this is about her!

Because . . . to my mom, nothing is about her. She is the most selfless, most generous, kind-hearted, compassionate, thoughtful, servant-hearted, optimistic, wise, purposeful, faithful, beautiful-inside-and-out women that I know. There are too many qualities to list, too many anecdotes to share, too many ways to show how completely amazing she is. And I cannot tell you how proud I am to say that she is MY MOM! My mom is constantly celebrating others, and I pray that she had a beautiful day of BEING celebrated like she deserves. How I wish I could give her a hug right now!

My mom is always doing special things, especially for her children - just this week I got two pieces of mail from her of pictures from Karis's baptism. Ever since I've not lived at home, my mom has sent me "tidbits" - articles from the Bismarck newspaper, recipes, pictures, & greeting cards. My mom makes every day unique and fun, and always lets her children know how much she thinks of them. When we go home, she stuffs our closet full of goodies, and it's always so much fun to discover the treasures she's collected as a way to show us her love . . . candy, magazines she's finished, shoes she's passing along to me, candles, cooking supplies, and now little things and outfits for Karis. Really, she makes every day just fun! I have memories of working with my mom around the house - whether going through closets, organizing, or cleaning - she would make sure we took breaks to enjoy a treat or just sit and relax. I treasure those memories. My mom taught me that life can be crazy, but sometimes you just have to turn it all off and have a cup of coffee and a piece of chocolate and enjoy rest.

My mom is the most incredible and attentive listener. She genuinely loves to hear people's stories and is accepting of everyone, appreciating where they've been and encouraging to where they're going.

My mom makes the simple things extraordinary. I have one specific memory from elementary school when she went upstairs and wouldn't let us come up until she came down to get us . . . we went upstairs to find the counter laden with makings for banana splits. It's those little things that stick out in my mind of all the thought my mom takes into seizing each day and the way she takes delight in her family. I've never known anyone so loyally devoted to her family - I have never once doubted her commitment to us all.

I love that my mom loves music and reading and traveling and bargain hunting shopping and baking and cooking and homemaking and exploring and walking and drinking coffee (all things I hope I've learned from her to appreciate!).

Have I mentioned what an awesome wife my mom is? She teaches by example how to honor and love and respect her husband, such a gift to me.

My mom is wise and thoughtful and she can always find silver lining in any situation - she trusts God's goodness even in the midst of difficult circumstances or pain. I've seen my mom weather some very tough times with grace and composure.

My mom is the hardest working and most efficient person alive, seriously. She can organize a HUGE fundraiser for Thanksgiving Day and STILL have a massive turkey dinner on the table only hours later. She's basically superwoman. Because she's still smiling at the end of the day!

These past months as I've watched my mom be a grandmother, I've seen her heart explode to new capacities. I can see in her eyes and hear in her voice her adoration for Karis, and I am humbled to no end to think that God would bless our family such depths of love. A recent memory that blessed me so much was when I called my mom as I walked into the hospital as I was in labor - the elation in her voice really made me think, "Okay, I'm ready. I can do this - I'm going to me meet my little girl soon!"

Can it be that I was once my mom's little girl in that way? Thank you mom, for being the best mom always.

I can only pray to be even a fraction of the mother that my mom is to me . . . thank you, mom, for showing me how to love. I love you SO much and am celebrating you today and always.

And Karis says Happy Birthday, too!